For His Glory and Our Good: {Life Goes On}

Am I still allowed to be sad?
Am I still allowed to cry?
Am I allowed to be happy?
Am I allowed to smile?
Two. Years. Since our world was turned upside down.
Two. Years. Since our family lost a piece of our puzzle.
Two. Years. Since I first cried a cry I didn't know I could.
Two. Years. Since I was told my 34 week old, unborn baby had died.
Many will say {have said} Two Years is {enough}
Enough?
Will it ever really be enough?
A lot has happened in the two years since Daphne was born.
She has a new little sister.
I think she would have loved Lydia.
Some days I play with Eden and Lydia and wonder what it would be like to have Daphne here too.
Some days I feel guilty for enjoying the girls.
Some days I feel guilty for missing Daphne when I have such blessings in Eden and Lydia.
Some days...
Well... some days I am just angry.
I'm sad.
I feel empty.
I feel joyful.
I feel peace.
I feel like nothing could possibly make me feel better.
I feel like a crazy person for still feeling all these things...
The funny thing about grief {or not so funny thing...} is that you just can't predict it.
Suddenly out of nowhere the wind is knocked out of me, I feel like I can't stand, and I want to run away from all human contact and hide indefinitely. In the two years since we learned that Daphne's heart had stopped, I've learned amazing lessons.
I've experienced great adventures.
I've learned that a mamma's heart never stops growing and never stops loving.
I still re-live the moment she was born frequently.
Sometimes I dwell on our short time with her.
Sometimes a smell (usually of cinnamon) will remind me.
Sometimes it's the news of a friend that has experienced the loss of a child that brings me back to that moment.
It's just something that can't be un-seen un-felt or un-remembered.
Two years and I can still give you every last detail of her.
No, it's not {enough}
Yes, life goes on and the world around me changes. New seeds root to the Earth and new flowers bloom.
The seasons change.
Tears get fewer and farther between. But it's never {enough} time to be {all better}.
Just as there could never have been enough time in the world to spend with her and breathe her in, there will never be enough time that passes.

But one thing in all of this terrible, beautiful journey that is {enough} is the infinite, enduring, healing love of our God.
That Love. It's why I can wake up each morning and breath again. It's why I can smile through the grief and pain. It's what gives me deep resounding peace.
That Love is what gave Daphne to me in the first place.
That Love is what is surrounding her now.
That Love is how my life goes on.
And most importantly...
That Love is how her life goes on.
Two Years. Twenty Two Years. Seventy Two Years.
Will never be {enough} But trusting the love that God has poured out over us through all of those times will always be enough.
Happy 2nd Birthday my Sweet Daphne Grace.
I wish I could see you waddling around Heaven with your head full of curly black hair.
You are loved sweet baby. You are missed deeply and terribly. And while I still don't want to accept it, You are right where you need to be. ** I have decided to share one photo of our girl. Nobody apart from our family has ever seen her face and I feel like now my heart is ready to share her. I'm sorry if you're offended or upset by the photo.**

{Life Goes On}

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