Friday, March 30, 2012
His Promises Remain
2 Timothy 4:17a
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the world might hear it.”
But seriously?!
Uhhh...
But isn't that what this journey we call
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the world might hear it.”
I can't lie
I. DON'T. FEEL. STRONG.
I. DON'T. FEEL. STRONG.
I have felt abandoned.
I have felt lost.
I have felt as though my cries would never reach anyone's ears.
I'm afraid.
{I fear}
that people will forget my sweet Daphne
that because she isn't here -with me- that she won't be celebrated
that {somehow} I will slowly lose my memories of her.
{I fear}
that if I do get pregnant again
something terrible will happen
something terrible will happen
that I will never again know the joy of having a new baby
that my heart will never be full of new mommy love again.
I'm worried.
{I worry}
that something awful will happen to my daughter and husband
that if I don't hold on tight to
{EVERYONE}
I will lose them.
{EVERYONE}
I will lose them.
{I worry}
that we will never get back to a place that we can't financially survive
that we will burden those around us.
I'm Trusting.
{I trust}
that even though all of
these fears
these worries
these {LIES}
penetrate my heart and thoughts
and consume me
My. God. Is. Faithful.
Isaiah 43:1-3
But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior"
he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior"
Don't get me wrong.
This doesn't {instantly} make me feel better!
James 1 says:
James 1 says:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."
You know what my first response is to that?!
James. Was. WHACK!
{yeah I just went a little ghetto}
But seriously?!
JOY?!
You want me to be joyful that I lost my baby?!
You want me to be joyful that nearly every aspect of my life
is a{TOTAL}mess
without any sort of direction?!
You want me to be joyful that nearly every aspect of my life
is a{TOTAL}mess
without any sort of direction?!
You want me to be joyful when I see the ones I love hurting?!
Uhhh...
yeah.no.thanks.k.bye.
But isn't that what this journey we call
{faith}
is all about?
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines Faith as:
"(1)firm belief in something for which there is no proof
(2)complete trust"
Woah, mamma!
{COMPLETE TRUST}
Okay, that stings a little.
Not just a little trust
or
or
I kinda think it's true
or
yeah, I know God's in control, but...
{COMPLETE TRUST}
(don't lose this thought... I will come back!)
I sat with Evan this evening and we talked about how we're feeling today.
Today (the 29th) would be Daphne's 1 month birthday.
It's absolutely unreal to me.
Daphne- A little baby that never got to breath.
Eden- A big sister that never got to hold her new baby.
Evan- A daddy that never got to dance with his baby girl.
Me- A mommy that will never get to see all of her dreams for that little lady come true.
A MONTH.
So much has happened in a month.
A lot of decisions made.
{Big Ones!}
A lot of lives shaken.
{In good ways and bad}
I can say that this month is one that I will never forget.
But I SO wish I could.
But then...
I would lose all of these memories.
You see,
time is a strange thing.
It passes so quickly.
Almost as if it's not there at all.
You want to grab hold and make it stop
all the while
wishing it would just hurry up so you can move on.
I want so badly to just
{feel better}
to be able to breath again.
I want to be able to see people
and not feel like I'm going to pass out if they mention anything about or related to Daphne
BUT
I want to feel this hurt and anguish
because I don't want to forget
my beautiful daughter.
{How's that for a catch-22?!}
If losing Daphne has taught me one thing it's this
{I. Have. No. Control.}
not over my
emotions
life
loved ones
{NOTHING}
(Here's where that {COMPLETE TRUST} thing comes into play)
I can worry all day.
I can fear for every situation.
{and let me tell you... I'm SOOOO good at it!}
Jesus asks us this question in Matthew 6:
"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
I think it's safe to say He had a {preeetty} good point with that one.
I think all I've managed to gain from my worrying is
no sleep
a few gray hairs
and
a tummy ache!
Why do we choose to
Fear or Worry?
Why, as humans, is that always our first response?
Because we lack faith.
We lack
{COMPLETE TRUST}
in Him.
Don't get me wrong.
We can't muster up that faith on our own.
It's a gift that God blesses us with.
But He gives it to us none-the-less.
Matthew 6:31-34
"31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the world runs after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
{I think this next part was written specifically to me}
"34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
SO...
Do I know why the Lord chose to take Daphne?
No.
Do I know what good will come of this?
No.
Am I happy about it?
Heck No!
{happiness is not to be confused with joy. more on that later}
Do I know where He's going to provide a home for us?
No.
But I have a God who makes big promises.
And He's given me the {faith} to have
{COMPLETE TRUST}
when He says:
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11-
You see...
while I don't know
what will happen
how it will happen
when it will happen
I {do} know that it's all happening
For His glory and Our good.
I may not like that answer in this current moment
but He promises that
He will make His plans known to us
and when He does...
it's going to be one heck of a blessing.
Matthew 6:31-34
"31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the world runs after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
{I think this next part was written specifically to me}
"34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
SO...
Do I know why the Lord chose to take Daphne?
No.
Do I know what good will come of this?
No.
Am I happy about it?
Heck No!
{happiness is not to be confused with joy. more on that later}
Do I know where He's going to provide a home for us?
No.
But I have a God who makes big promises.
And He's given me the {faith} to have
{COMPLETE TRUST}
when He says:
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11-
You see...
while I don't know
what will happen
how it will happen
when it will happen
I {do} know that it's all happening
For His glory and Our good.
I may not like that answer in this current moment
but He promises that
He will make His plans known to us
and when He does...
it's going to be one heck of a blessing.
Friday, March 23, 2012
When Skies Are Grey - The moments that just aren't so glorious
You know that scene that's used often in books and films?
The one where there's a totally broken woman driving in her car.
She's crying, banging the steering wheel, then finally
literally {SCREAMS} out to God.
"Why?! What's the point?! God, WHY?!"
"It's not FAIR!"
Then there's just the silence with her sobs and gasps for air breaking through every few seconds.
Yeah...
that crazed, exasperated woman was me today.
that crazed, exasperated woman was me today.
{guilty}
I went to bed last night longing for my baby.
Angry about my empty tummy, empty arms.
Nothing to show for her existence but for a few positive pregnancy tests, ultrasound pictures, and the few mementos we have from her birth.
{HOW IS THIS FAIR?!}
{She doesn't get to be enjoyed. I don't get to enjoy her!}
3 weeks without her hit me heavy last night.
No amount of positive distraction kept my mind off her.
This morning I woke up.
And instantly resolved to staying in bed and that.was.that!
{who'm i kidding? 3.6 seconds later my door BLEW open to a 3 foot high, footie jammied tornado}
Up I was.
Foggy minded.
Hardly able to focus.
But up, none the less.
Things were rough today. I gave up about 7,498,908,907 times.
{no I'm serious... that many!}
Nothing was going right.
Nothing was going my way
{after all, I was up}
I have to say, this has been one of my lowest days so far.
I know what some of you are thinking
"What?! It should be getting 'better', getting 'easier'!"
{oh friends, how I wish that were so}
I'm filled with so many questions.
So many "what if's".
So many "I wish I would have's".
So many "This can't be possible's"
and a few "No, I {REFUSE} to accept's"
So many "This can't be possible's"
and a few "No, I {REFUSE} to accept's"
Then...
God has a funny way of bringing everything back to Him.
Sometimes I want to stomp my feet, pout, and say
"no, I don't wanna be joyful! I don't wanna be encouraged!
I WANNA BE MAD!"
and he says
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted"
- Matt 5:4
and
"I
have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you
will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."
-
John 16:33
So
while I really don't feel like
praising,
singing,
giving
Him the Glory...
He
does it Himself.
And
of course reminds me that
my
life is to be a beacon.
For
His glory and my Good
{whether
I like it or not}
As I
was writing, this song came to mind
{I
can't figure out how to just post the song without a video so I'll just share
the lyrics that hit me most}
"Jesus, Draw me ever nearer
as I labor through the storm
You have called me to this passage
and I'll follow, though i'm worn
May this journey bring a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
and at the end of my hearts testing
with your likeness let me wake"
"Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer"
~Keith and Kristyn Getty~
I'm not always going to have a great outlook.
I'm not always going to have a positive attitude.
{I'm. Not. Strong.}
I cannot muster up the strength in myself to get out of bed in the morning.
But He gives me strength.
He gives me joy that I don't understand.
When I want to curl up and hide from the world in a dark hole
He calls me out and says
"I have overcome the world!"
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Time Flies... Time Crawls...Time Stands Still
"Our days are identical suitcases - all the same size - but some days have more packed into them than others."
~Unknown~
Time.
Is.
Relative.
Three weeks ago this night I laid in a hospital bed while nurse after nurse fumbled over equipment struggling to detect anything that sounded remotely like the heartbeat of my baby.
{what felt like years of agonizing uncertainty
was really just less than 20 minutes.}
When Dr. Covey came in to do an ultrasound because the nurses never succeeded...
I
SWEAR
it took 30 minutes
{nope... maybe 5}
The 5 words that came next echoed for years in my head
"I'm sorry. There's no heartbeat."
I honestly felt like I wasn't inside of my own body.
Like I was watching a movie of a mother and father being told the most horrific words imaginable.
In that moment
{Time. Stood. Still.}
This is one of those moments that you don't want time to stop.
A moment you wish would vanish.
Never to be thought of again.
I HATE THAT DAY
Nothing will ever make my memory of February 26, 2012 better.
A day so full of joy and celebration
{SHATTERED}
by 5 words.
FLY FORWARD
{because that's exactly what it felt like. flying. too fast to control anything.}
TO WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 29, 2012
Less than 12 hours after I woke up
my beautiful baby
my second child
my sweet Daphne Grace
entered the world
without a sound
and was placed on my chest
to be loved in the most intense was I could love her.
{why couldn't that moment have stopped?!}
{why couldn't I have been able to hold her forever?!}
{why do the moments I yearn for to be longer escape in the blink of an eye?!}
As a family we had Daphne's
peaceful
still
little body
in our arms for less than 6 hours.
{it felt like nano-seconds}
I can't so much say I HATE that day.
I was able blessed to hold my baby.
It was her birthday.
She.
Was.
Beautiful.
In all her
4 lbs. 11oz.
19" long
thick black haired
perfection.
FAST FORWARD
{because time didn't quite fly}
TO FRIDAY MARCH 2, 2012
We celebrated our sweet baby with
scripture
prayer
music
laughter
{when Eden waltzed into the chapel with a Bart Simpson doll as Evan was saying hello to everyone. yes. we laughed. hard. she is such a light of joy to us.}
Surrounded by family and friends that have been with us every moment of this.
This time didn't seem fleeting or slacken.
It was a perfect time of reflection.
A time of thanking God for the time with Daphne.
{no matter how short}
The last three days have consisted of me being stretched to my limits.
Friday we mustered up the courage to pick up
the ashes of our sweet girl.
{what a surreal feeling!}
 |
| we couldn't have asked for it to turn out better! |
-a silly side note-
after we picked up Daphne's ashes we had to go to the store.
my first thought upon getting out of the car was
"I can't leave her out here in the cold by herself!"
-ah the mind of a mommy-
Yesterday and today was the first time since New Year's Eve
that we
-as a family-
lead music worship at church.
Singing has been tough for me these last few weeks.
So needless to say...
Church was NOT easy.
But a dear, dear friend and mentor shared these words with me
"Do you know that when we sing praise and worship all of heaven joins with us and sings? So when you are singing praise and songs of adoration to God, Daphne is singing with you! She is in the presence of God with all those in the Heavenly realm that have gone on before us cheering us onward. But in that moment of praise and worship we are all one.
Sing with her.
Enter into the presence of God together in praise."
Thank you. Thank you for this amazing encouragement.
My heart has been heavy remembering the moments that seemed to linger.
My heart has been sad remembering the moments that went so quickly.
But today
Singing praises to the God who makes ALL things new
My heart was LIGHT.
My heart was filled with a joy that I cannot muster up in myself.
I know peace.
I know HIS peace.
The peace that surpasses all understanding of
"WHY?!"
"WHY?!"
The peace that tells me that everything happens for His glory and our good.
And let me tell you...
Today
singing
and
thinking of my baby girl
{Time. Stood. Still.}
and I couldn't be more content.
Thank you, Lord for your peace.
For your strength.
For my Sweet Eden who brings me such Joy.
For my husband who protects and loves me.
For our family who supports us in every way imaginable.
For our friends who have encouraged us day in and out.
For Daphne.
Our
victorious
girl.
I anticipate the moment we enter His gates and see her beautiful face.
But until then I will find such
joy
and
fulfillment
in praising our God knowing she sings with me.
"1.How lovely is your dwelling place,
LORD Almighty!
2.My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD.
------
10.For better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere."
than a thousand elsewhere."
-Psalm 84-
Thursday, March 15, 2012
What Do You Say When There Aren't Enough Words?
"We ought to celebrate the positive glorious gifts of God, but the worth of God shines in a powerful way to the world when in the midst of suffering we still don't curse God but say
'the Lord gave and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.'"
~John Piper~
In July the Lord gave us our sweet Daphne.
18 Days ago the Lord took her away from us before we ever got to meet.
My heart is broken.
My heart is angry.
My heart HURTS.
But I know that His plans are far {GREATER}
than anything I can fathom.
And so in my
brokeness
anger
HURT
I will bless His name. I will praise Him. I will SING.
I was blessed by the words of a friend recently.
They said:
"Just think, 8 months in your belly was all she needed. Now she's in Heaven with our God. She never had to experience the pain and ugliness that this world has to offer."
My first reaction was:
I DON'T CARE! I WANT HER NOW!
But then I have to think...
My deepest desire in life -as a mother- is to protect my children from the pain and ugliness in this world.
That they would seek Christ and know a deeper joy.
Daphne has that!
She knows that joy better than I.
She not only seeks Christ,
She {SEES} Christ.
In all His Glory.
She praises Him now as I write this.
She knows Him and knows what prize is awaiting us.
I'm intrigued by this quote.
"As soon as a baby enters the world, the baby is immediately introduced to pain. It is somewhat symbolic that life begins with a cry."
~R.C. Sproul~
I never had the joy of hearing my sweet Daphne cry.
But knowing that she never has to cry and never has to experience pain in any form is an incredible comfort to
my mommy heart.
I miss her so deeply.
Each night as I write her little notes I can smell her sweet scent.
{She smelled like cinnamon. The sweetest cinnamon.}
I lay awake thinking about all the things I wanted to
do with her
show her
teach her.
All the kisses I would have given her.
I think about the moments that I longed for just watching Eden play with her and love her.
I think about how much Evan loves her and all the things he would have done with her.
Then I think about the
Unfailing Love
that Christ is pouring over her.
How can I compete with that?!
This song that I attached has given me a lot of peace.
It was shared with me by a dear friend.
It's a simple reminder that while I
{instinctively}
think nobody can love my baby the way can,
we serve a God who loves us far beyond our imagining.
And His love for Daphne isn't anything less.
do with her
show her
teach her.
All the kisses I would have given her.
I think about the moments that I longed for just watching Eden play with her and love her.
I think about how much Evan loves her and all the things he would have done with her.
Then I think about the
Unfailing Love
that Christ is pouring over her.
How can I compete with that?!
This song that I attached has given me a lot of peace.
It was shared with me by a dear friend.
It's a simple reminder that while I
{instinctively}
think nobody can love my baby the way can,
we serve a God who loves us far beyond our imagining.
And His love for Daphne isn't anything less.
While I long for my sweet girl to be in my arms
and I wish I could wake up to a reality where
{NONE}
of this were real,
I must own this pain.
I must accept this horrible nightmare as my reality.
I must have
{HOPE}
that through my brokenness and hurt
my God has a great purpose for my sweet girl with Him.
And I can't wait for the moment that I get
to see what amazing things He has for her.
I LONG for the day I hold her again.
For the moment I see her sweet, beautiful face.
My heart cries
~COME QUICK, LORD! I WANT MY BABY!~
because I'm impatient
But I'm also anxious to see what path the Lord has for us here. What children He blesses us with.
What amazing things he will do through our loss of our sweet
Daphne Grace.
I already see mountains moved. I already see hearts touched.
Hearts that I never thought I would see changed.
God has absolutely
{DESTROYED}
our picture of what we wanted in life.
But ALL for His Glory and our good.
Praise Him for these miracles.
Praise Him for our miracle in Daphne.
She has ROCKED this world
and never even had to
experience it.
Take those perfect little toes and
Dance with Jesus, Sweet Daphne.
You. Are. Healed.
"Joy in affliction is rooted in the hope of resurrection, but our experience of suffering also deepens the root of that hope."
~John Piper~
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Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope
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