A queasy feeling...
Could it be?
Woah! Yep.... There it is.... Pregnant.
Lots of thoughts.  Are we ready for this again?
Can we do this financially? Really, Lord? Oh, My gosh! Another Baby! My heart is so full!
I'm freaking out! What the holy heck are we going to do? Well... Eden has been wanting a bunk bed... good timing, eh?
{just rest. just breath.}
{Choose. Joy.}
1st Doctor Appointment: 7 weeks. The plan.
Lots of monitoring later on.  Going to play if safe.  Another Subchorionic Hemorrhage.  What if something happens?
Should we even get excited? This is really happening! There's really a baby in there.  Oh, My gosh! Our Baby!
When should we schedule our appointments?
Will insurance cover everything?
{just rest. just breath.}
{Choose. Joy}
An Unsettling Feeling: 10 Weeks I feel good.
Shouldn't I feel sick?!
What if something's wrong? I should call the doctor!
I'm not spotting. I'm not cramping.  Just be happy I'm feeling okay.
Oohhh... maybe this means it's a boy?!
This baby is going to be such an adventure! Share news with friends and family!
Yay!
{Resting. Breathing}

{Joy.}
A Queasy Feeling: 11 weeks.
I don't feel so good!
What if something is wrong?!
That's silly... I'm SUPPOSED to feel sick, duh!
Oy. This headache is rough!
People are excited for this baby!
I can't wait to make sure everything is okay.
I just want this baby to be well.  I don't want to lose another baby.
We're going to be fine.

{just rest. just breath.}
A Dreadful Feeling:
11 Weeks 4 days.
Midnight... Uhg. Gotta Pee.
Hey! That's a good thing! Wait, what's that? Spotting.  Oh no! This can't be happening.  Just calm down.
Call the doctor.
It's fine. Probably just the SCH. Text a few friends.
Please Pray.
Why isn't the doctor calling back?! Just try to sleep.
6am.
No more spotting.
Phew! False alarm.
Well... call the doctor again... just in case...
Everything's going to be okay.
Going in soon to check on this sweet baby.  7am.
Gotta Pee...
Oh no... that's a lot. No!
This can't be happening.
Call again.
Going in NOW. 9am.
Waiting.
Of course.
Don't they know I'm FREAKING out?!
COME ON!
Here we go.
Ultrasound.
"I'm going to go talk with the physician..."
No!!!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
No, Lord. Not this!
Not Now.
I knew it.
I shouldn't have gotten excited about this.  I'm so stupid.  "Hi Jess... I'm so sorry..."
Don't. Just don't say anymore!
"Missed Miscarriage"
I can't breath.  "You have options"
I want to get out of here.
"We can go about this anyway you'd like..."
Shit. Shit. Shit.

{just. rest. just. breath.}

{joy. ha.}
A Painful Feeling:
1:30pm.
Administer medication.
I really just have to sit here and wait.
They're just going to take my baby away.
I should really go get a concealed weapon permit for my uterus...
It's time.
This sucks.
It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks.
Ow.
Wait... the pain meds really aren't working that well...
This really freaking hurts.
"It's taking a bit more effort than we expected..."
Oh Great!
No Big.
Just my lady bits you're jacking up.
"Okay, we're all done."
Woah... I feel weird.
A Fuzzy Feeling:
4:00... maybe?
Basically I don't remember anything after I wheeled out of the procedure room.
I think they said I can't drive...
I gotta call my boss.
"Check up in two weeks."
"Should have a pathology report..."
Where am I? Man It is cold.
Oh, there's Eden.
My sweet girl.
Wait, Who has Lydia?
Where is she?!
She hasn't nursed all day! My poor girl!
Ahhh... my bed.
I gotta pee...
When did I get home?! Oh... yeah.
I just had a miscarriage...
Shit. My baby is gone.
Another one. 2 for 4. I have to tell everyone we sent Christmas cards to.
Merry frickin' Christmas... Wait, I already did?

I'm hungry. Food sounds disgusting.  Why is this happening?!
Why this, Lord? Why now? What good can come from this?!
{just. rest. just. breath.}
{you can be sad.} {but choose joy.}

I feel so peaceful.
Ugh. My body hurts.
How long is this part going to last? Just more reminders, I guess.
I have a lot of work to get done!
I know they said not to worry about it...
But I really should get it done.
I mean... I'm fine.
Ow... maybe not.
Ugh...
This sucks. 
{just rest. just breath.}



There's not rhyme or reason to what has gone through my head in the last two months.
I truly couldn't explain better than all that ^^^ garbage jumbled up and barfed out.
But through all of this... the Lord has given me a strange peace.
I almost feel stupid.
I feel confused.
Sometimes I've found my self forgetting that I'm not pregnant anymore... {I know it's only been 2 days}
But it's been the longest week.

Anxiety truly took the best of me and it stole so. much. joy.  I feared so much for the 7 short weeks that I knew I was pregnant.
Why? Why do we let that happen?
I wasted so much time I could have spent enjoying the life growing inside of me
on worthless worry that got me what?
Another baby I'll never get to hold.
So I'm sure you're asking...
"Why joy?!"

Believe me... I ask the same thing... a lot!

Joy, not to be confused with happiness, is really a great relief to ones sorrow.
To be truly joyful, we find delight.
To find delight, we seek something that will fully satisfy us.
For some, satisfaction comes in wealth, addiction, materialism...
For me, I've found my delight in resting in the Lord.
I know many people call me crazy.
But when you've been carried through hell and back again by the Jesus that I know...
There is no doubt.
When your greatest, deepest fears are made real and you can lift your heavy, weary head to breath life, still... My Hope is in the Lord.
My Delight is in the Lord.
It doesn't make sense. It doesn't have to.  It doesn't make the present hurt any less...
But it does bring  {joy}
{delight}
{true, complete, satisfaction}
I can't get time back.
I can't bring back the babies I've lost. But I can look on with hope to a time where there will be no more tears. No more pain.
No more anxiety. No more worry. 
A time where I will know my babies in the fullness that God intended them.  I will come along side them and rejoice in the goodness of our God. 
And for that hope... I must {choose. joy}

Psalm 84:10...
Better is one day in your courts, than a thousand elsewhere...

I cannot wait for that day.