Tuesday, May 14, 2013

{A Promise}

Tuesday, May 14, 2013
I've stayed away out of self control.

I didn't want to spill the beans too soon.
So now that the news is out
{mostly}
I have to say
Man, oh Man! I've been itching to write!

For those of you who're not currently
{in the loop}
here's the news:


On January 29th, one month before Daphne's 1st birthday,
we found out that we would once again get to experience the excitement
of waiting for a new baby.

We have kept the news to ourselves for quite a while.
Somewhat out of fear.
Somewhat out of desire for time to reflect.
But mostly to be sure
{as sure as we can be}
that things are going well.

I must say that the first 3 1/2 months were nerve wracking.
We found out early on that I
{once again}
had developed a subchorionic hemorrhage.
This is something that I had with Daphne that ultimately put me on bed rest at
28 weeks due to pre-term labor starting at 21 weeks. 
I was monitored closely for those first several weeks. 

Then at 13 weeks, an ultrasound revealed that the hemorrhage was gone!!
{Praise the Lord!!!}
Not even a little bit remaining.
And Baby #3 was growing perfectly. 

Little sighs of relief.

This has been a journey I
{NEVER}
could have anticipated.
I've wanted nothing more than to be pregnant again for the last year, 
and now, we're here
and it's so overwhelmingly surreal. 

I've been asked a lot of questions.

Questions like:
{How did you get up the guts to get pregnant again?}
... uh... not sure how to answer that...

{I bet you're SUPER relieved to know that you'll have a baby this time, huh?}
...well, I'm hoping that we'll get to bring this baby home!...

{Aren't you afraid the same thing will happen again?}
...Absolutely! But I can't live in fear and I'm battling every day to choose joy in this...

And the most recent, on Mother's Day this past weekend...
(and probably the hardest one I've been asked)
{I bet this Mother's Day is WAY better than last year's, huh? Being pregnant with your "rainbow" must really make you feel a lot better!}

Yikes... well, no not really. 

Here's the thing...
{yes, it's going to get a littttle deep... that's how I roll}

I still ache for Daphne to be with us physically. She is every bit a part of our family as anyone else. We miss her terribly and long for the day we get be with her again.
A new pregnancy doesn't magically make that go away.

Everyday I have to wake up and choose to trust that Lord has a great plan for our family and this new little life. 

{Ah-ha! Now don't get me wrong here!}

I choose to trust that the Lord will carry us through this.
That DOES NOT mean that I trust that the Lord will deliver to us a living, breathing baby.

{as difficult as it is to accept... His plans > My plans}
regardless of how things turn out.

Do I have
{HOPE}
 that this new life will be delivered to us?
Yes. A million times, 
{YES}

A phrase often heard in the Pregnancy and Infant Loss world is
{"Rainbow Baby"}

The idea behind this phrase goes back to Genesis
{the first book of the Bible}
After the flood waters begin to recede and Noah and his family begin to have
{HOPE}
that they might get off that
{stinky}
boat, 
God makes a covenant with Noah.
He says - in Genesis 9:11"I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by waters of the flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the Earth."

So basically the correlation is that people see a subsequent pregnancy {after a loss}
as a "promise" that this new baby will live.
A "promise" that they won't endure the pain and anguish of loss again. 

Well, here I am,
{Mary, Mary, quite contrary}
to tell you...
This baby is NOT my "Rainbow". 

I have no promise that my baby will be born to me breathing.
I have no covenant that this child will not be ushered into God's glory before birth.
 
But I DO have this promise:
"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

A promise from God that He not only has a plan, but that it's good.
And I will gain from it.
{Regardless of the outcome!}
And in that promise, I have rest.
I can be joyful.
I can have
{HOPE}
that this journey,
no matter how rocky,
will prove to be the
biggest blessing of our lives.

As we
{together}
walk this path of uncertainty
{TRUSTING}
that God will place each step in front of the other
and 
{DESIRING}
His will in our life...
We will be blessed. 

It may look like a lot of different things, 
but it will always be 
{for His glory and our good}.

Please continue to pray with us as we
excitedly anticipate this new chapter in our life.

We are beyond blessed with some
{AMAZING}
prayer warriors
and we know that 
through it all, 
we are loved. 


Blessings to you, dear friends!

P.S. I promise we'll tell you what we're having. Just not yet :)
| 2 comments
Friday, March 1, 2013

"How Can You Believe In A God Who Would...."

Friday, March 01, 2013
I remember the moment
I was asked for the first time after Daphne's passing
"How can you have faith in a God that allowed your child to die?!"

In that moment I couldn't complete any thoughts.
I didn't really know what to say or do.
All I could say was,
"How can I not?"

Since that day just about a year ago,
I've thought a lot about this. 

While I've been angry at God,
felt abandoned by God, 
thought that somehow I was being punished for something I did
{or didn't do for that matter}...
I've always come back to that moment of questioning.

"How can I have faith in a God that allowed my Daphne to die?"

I'm continually brought back to Isaiah 55
where the Lord tells us, 
"My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways!"
Then He tells us
"As the Heavens are higher than the Earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

I've been so comforted by this.
I know it probably sounds strange.
But I can't ignore the sovereignty of God
even in the darkest of moments.

If I didn't have faith in a God who
would allow my daughter to die,
I would be accepting that it just happened.
For no reason, no purpose,
just a freak accident that will never be explained. 
I find no comfort in that. 

But knowing that God has a beautiful purpose
for Daphne's short life fills my heart with so much peace.
I've seen His hand at work so much already.
The simple things,
the big things...

It's so easy to be distracted by what I want
and what I'm not getting to experience,
that I can quickly forget that 
His ways, His plans are so much better
than anything I could ever conjure up.
He loves me. He wants the best for me.
And His best might not always make sense
but what a beautiful life it is knowing that
He will always provide in His perfect timing.

 
This song was sent to me just days after I delivered Daphne.
It's so sweet, simple, and poignant.
Enjoy :)
| 0 comments
Saturday, February 9, 2013

Stop Taking Yourself So Seriously... {Confessions of a worn out Mom}

Saturday, February 09, 2013
Are you ready for this?
{I'm not holding back on this one...}

My Child:
Breastfed until she was 18 months old.
Was passed around as newborn to everyone and their mother.
Doesn't have a perfectly set schedule.
Doesn't get a bath everyday.
Is vaccinated.
Sometimes goes to bed without getting her teeth brushed.
LOVES Iced Tea.
Eats nearly any vegetable we put in front of her.
Sometimes sleeps in our bed.
Likes Chicken Nuggets and French Fries.
Likes Quinoa and Lemon Chicken.
Throws tantrums like some of you wouldn't believe.
Memorizes scripture.
Watches Movies.
Reads Books.
Is usually stark naked when we're home alone.
Is very picky about the clothes she wears (and I let her be...).
And
is one of the most well rounded, loving, friendly, creative
and strong willed children I know. 

I:
Work 3 part-time jobs.
Stay home part time.
Don't cook meals everyday.
Read 800 10 books in a row to E.
Don't clean the toilet {NEARLY} as much as I should.
Am extremely uncomfortable and self conscious around most women.
Sometimes forget to brush my teeth.
Make my bed almost every morning.
Sometimes don't get a shower for days on end.
Vacuum the living room constantly.
Don't do laundry until I almost literally {HAVE} to.
Would much rather spend time playing and let the house be messy.
Lose my temper with my husband.
Don't spend enough quiet time alone.
{HATE DOING DISHES!!!}
And
make my family my priority, leaving me with few strong friendships, but it's worth it to be able to know that my family knows they are loved more than I can say.

Soooo... Why did I tell you all of this?

Because I'm not perfect. 

Everywhere I look moms are striving to "be better mommies".
Often, it's not necessarily because they're bad mommies, 
but because Susie-So-n-So down the street is the epitome
of Motherhood and no one can compare to that... 
I can't cook.
I don't know how to sew.
I'm such a terrible mother because I let my child have sugar.
My baby doesn't nap like Susie-So-n-So's.
I must be doing everything wrong!

OR

Mom's have the
"I know what's best for my child and therefore I know what's best for yours"
complex.
"Don't feed fruit solids first or your child will become a sugar addict!!"
"Don't use _____ kind of diapers because _____ happens!"
"MY baby crawled at 4 months! There must be something wrong with your 7 month old who can't even scoot yet!"
"I bought ______ car seat because it's the ONLY one that's safe! You should STOP using that cheap one so your baby doesn't die!"
"What?!?! You had an epidural for your birth?! I'm surprised your baby doesn't have 14 heads!!!"
"You don't brush your toothless infants gums?!?! You may as well doom them to back woods living in the Appalachian Mountains... they'll never have teeth!"

We focus sooo much on things that, in long run...
DON'T MATTER.

Yes, it's important to make these decisions for your children.
But PLEASE, by
ALL MEANS
don't make your decisions based on others
{and super duper pretty please}
don't feel that you have the right to make my decision for me.

I've been disheartened by the
"Mompetition"
{as I heard so greatly phrased by a friend recently}
that has begun to dictate our culture.

Being a mom is darn tough job.
We have enough to deal with
without
comparing ourselves or being compared to
other moms. 

I struggle with this just as much as anyone.
I often feel inadequate compared to some of my friends who really just seem to get
{everything}
right. 
Then sometimes I feel like I do get something right
and that nasty little pride comes out and feels like I should be publicly awarded
{Mother of the Year!}
(the later doesn't happen as often and the former)

Here's the deal:

God reminds us time and TIME again that our identity is in Him, not in the world.

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."
(Galatians 1:10 ESV)

Okay, how many of you are thinking of the ever acclaimed
Proverb 31 Woman
??
"She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard...."
(Proverbs 31:15-16 ESV)

"She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.

Her lamp does not go out at night.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple...."
(Proverbs 31:18-22 ESV)
"She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:..."
(Proverbs 31:24-28 ESV)


How the HECK did she do that?!?!?!


She works.
She plants gardens (vineyards).

Apparently, she never sleeps.
She's darn proud of the stuff she makes, so she sells it.
She feeds the poor and hungry along with her entire household.
She makes her own sheets and blankets and clothes.
She's the smartest lady you know.
She's so nice that she's everyone's best friend.
Her children and husband tell her she's AWESOME!...
HOW DID SHE GET SOOOOO GOOD?!?!?!

First of all, I'd like to say, this wasn't "all in a days work" for her.
This was a lifetime of striving to glorify God. 
Secondly, I'd like to say 
"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."
(Proverbs 31:30 ESV)

If it weren't for her obedience to God, none of this would matter. 
Not
one. little. ounce.

Colossians 3 is an incredible reminder of who are in Christ.
"...seek the things that are above, 
where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 
2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.
3 For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.
 4 When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."

If you tend to fall into the pit of 

"I'm a failure and I need to be like her..."
                                                            remember this!

Our goal is not to impress people, 
but rather that we find our true identity in Christ
and the things that He has in store for us.

Consequently, 

5 Put to death therefore; what is earthly in you:...
7 In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. 8 But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth....
11 Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all."

If you tend to fall into the "better mommy than thou" type
remember this!
It's not what we do that matters. It's how we do it. People come from all different walks of life. What works for Joe doesn't necessarily work for Bob
and 
{That's. Okay.}
because in Christ, we are are made new.

And for all of us to remember, 
When we do feel the need to express a

genuine concern for the well being of someone else'
lifestyle
{or parenting}
choices, 

"12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another,forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."


You may be right about what you're saying, Supermama, 
but if you can't be kind and humble and loving about it,
you've failed at conveying a message of concern

and have destroyed the confidence of another Mama. 


Likewise, 
You cannot compare your dirty dishes to a Better Homes and Garden's cover.
Seek Christ to fulfill those trenches of doubt.
Stop looking to others for approval.
You leave yourself vulnerable to the hurt that world will no doubt give abundantly. 

To wrap up this very long and urgent
{rant}...


We wear ourselves down to nothing some days.
We have nothing left to give.
And in these moments, I am glad to know
that the only opinion that really matters, 

is that One that can restore my weakness. 


This song is for all of us mama's {and papa's}
who are tired.
Tired of fighting... tired of failing...
Tired of never measuring up...
{WORN}



| 2 comments
Friday, February 1, 2013

February {A little reflection}

Friday, February 01, 2013
February is here. 

I'm having some extremely mixed emotions about this month.

We will celebrate
{if you can call it that}
the birthday of our second born,
{stillborn},
Daphne Grace.

I feel like I should have a plan
or
prepare for it somehow.

I've talked with many mother's
who bake cakes, 
plant entire gardens,
have actual "parties"
to "celebrate" their babies...
I kind of just want to take the day off of work and stay in bed.

Not because I want to be a Daisy Downer, 
but because I really just want to be quiet, all day, and just remember.
I don't want to have any distractions...

Is that weird?

I want to be able to cry when I feel like it and not have to hide...
I want to be able to look at pictures...
I want, 
{more than anything}
to just feel like she's here...
just for a moment. 

I realize that probably sounds crazy.

And the other hard part...
Daphne was born on Leap Day.
{2013 doesn't have a Leap Day!}
So when do I actually
"celebrate"
her day?

I really don't want it to be the 28th since that's not a day of significance
in the big scheme of things...

But I don't really want it to be the 26th either.
That was the day we found out she was gone and that...
is a day I hate.

I don't know... 


This year has taught me a lot.
I feel like I've grown tremendously
but at the same time, 
I feel like I'm stuck.

I've come to know that
the Lord is faithful,
even when
{especially when}
I am not. 

And I kind of just want to spend Daphne's day
remembering all that I've learned from
her short, short time with us. 

Obviously,
all of this is for us
{for me}
and not for her.
She's so much happier
in Heaven,
with our Savior,
than I could ever imagine. 

She is at peace.

I think that I want to dwell on that image.

{She. Is. Alive} 

It's difficult for me, still, to wrap my head around that fact,
but it brings such peace to my mamma heart.

Someday, I'll get to hold her, and squeeze her, and see her dance before our God.

Until that day...
I just get to remember.
| 2 comments
Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Profound

Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Ever just sit and try to think up something profound
to impart on those around you?

You know... 
Facebook asks "What's On Your Mind?"

Some people just say the first thing that comes to mind.
Some say the most ridiculous thing they can think of to:
a - make people laugh
b - tick people off
{on purpose}
or
c - just because they can.
Then there are some who I think sit all day long and think up the most
profound thing they can possibly conjure.
Sometimes I think it's impacting.
Sometimes I think they're trying to prove a point.
And sometimes...
Well, sometimes I think "Dang it! Why didn't I come up with that?!"
Then I'm back to thinking about what profound bit of "wisdom" I can speak type
into existence. 

What is it about our make-up that compels us to
{NEED}
to be profound?
Is it Pride?
Is it a feeling of insignificance?
Is it a lack of identity?

{Why do we strive to be better than the next person?!}

The Mommy Wars
The Popularity Contest
The Pintrest-y Housewife (my craftyness is better than yours) Contest
We're living in the
Ultimate Rat Race...
And our culture tells us
{It's Healthy}

If someone can do something better than me,
I must be a failure.
If someone gets attention for something that I did too,
I must be insignificant.

Ahh... but how wrong we are.
While we strive to out-do our peers
and shine brightest in the middle of the sun,
we achieve nothing.
Nothing but a false sense of self.
We lose sight of what matters.
We fall short.

I think
{especially in the realm of Christians}
we believe that if we say and do enough to
"bring glory to God"
that we'll somehow get just a liiiiiitle more approval.
Even though we know that
we are saved by GRACE through FAITH and not by our own works so that none of us can be proud and boastful in our actions,
(Ephesians 2)
we still somehow manage to
get ourselves into competition.

{NEWS FLASH}
We can do
NOTHING
to find greater favor with God!

Should I repeat that?

We can do nothing
{AT ALL}
to increase the love that God has for us.

Can we just say
{"Praise God!"}
for that?!

What greater love is there?
No need to impress.
No need to outshine.
No need to be
{profound}.

We are who we are and where we are because of a plan far greater than our own.
We have weaknesses and strengths so that we might be grown and shaped and used
as part of this greater plan.

The Rat Race is
{OVER.}

The competition is
{WON.}

You,
in your
simplicity,
weakness,
shame,
pride,
guilt,
are
{profound}

Let's take our mind out of the game and put it to much better use.
Let's focus what we have to give and just give it, imperfections, and all.
{Let's live simply, knowing that we are treasured by God}
Let's rest in the perfect,
{profound}
love of Christ.



| 0 comments
Friday, January 18, 2013

It's been so long... Where do we begin?

Friday, January 18, 2013
The last few month have been...
{insane}
to say the VERY least.

Work, School, Band, Births, School, Work
{oh yeah family time}
School, Work, Band, 
{eat sometime, at some point...}

Who's idea was it again to have BOTH of us in school at the same time?

{Oy!}

We've had good days.
We've had not so good days.
And we've had just downright
{rotten}
days.

Eden turned 3 which just boggles my  mind.
That was a good day!
She was the most beautiful little princess on her special day.
I thank the Lord for her every day.
She's such a beam of joy in our life.
On the darkest of days the Lord has used her to remind us of His enduring goodness. 

My husband is a rockstar!
{yes, ladies, I am beyond fortunate}
He's done so well at juggling work and school and life.
He's been full of bad jokes lately
{that's really nothing new}
and it has helped to lighten my heart.
I am so thankful to be able to call him my husband
and even more thankful that he puts up with me and my
{psychosis  idiosyncrasies} 
and still continues to comfort me while I cry
and tell me I'm beautiful when I feel so very far from it.
I'm pretty sure I got the best end of the deal!

Our family has journeyed a rough road
this past year and the next few weeks promise to be bumpy. 
As I think back and remember the ins and out of this journey,
I cannot ignore the perfect guidance from God.
He has sustained us in ways that I honestly don't understand.
Finances have worked out perfectly where they really...
just
{shouldn't have}
Schedules has been so perfectly synchronized that we've been able
to meet the needs of our family and still manage to complete
some MAJOR tasks.

I think back on this year of
hurt
blessings
confusion
provision
love
longing...
and the constant is always
the goodness of our God. 

I cannot begin to explain it because honestly
I don't get it. 

We have been used and stretched far beyond
my wildest imaginings.
We have been blessed and loved more than I can say "thank you" enough for.

God has given us a beautiful mess of a life and I just wouldn't have it any other way.

Thank you for your love and prayers for our little family.
As we head into this season of remembering our sweet Daphne and her very silent birthday, 
please continue to pray for us and please remember her with us. She has been the biggest blessing in growing our little family while we sorely miss her presence here with us.

Pray for Eden as she is really wanting a sibling
and so far, it's just not what God has for us...

Pray for Evan and I as we grow that we would be examples of Christ in all we do. 

And please know that I thank God for you everyday.

Blessings my dear friends,
I promise to be around more often...
| 0 comments
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Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope
If you have found yourself on the journey of pregnancy or infant loss, I encourage you to join this blog. A community of families that know the journey well.

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