Friday, March 30, 2012
His Promises Remain
Friday, March 30, 2012
2 Timothy 4:17a
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the world might hear it.”
But seriously?!
Uhhh...
But isn't that what this journey we call
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the world might hear it.”
I can't lie
I. DON'T. FEEL. STRONG.
I. DON'T. FEEL. STRONG.
I have felt abandoned.
I have felt lost.
I have felt as though my cries would never reach anyone's ears.
I'm afraid.
{I fear}
that people will forget my sweet Daphne
that because she isn't here -with me- that she won't be celebrated
that {somehow} I will slowly lose my memories of her.
{I fear}
that if I do get pregnant again
something terrible will happen
something terrible will happen
that I will never again know the joy of having a new baby
that my heart will never be full of new mommy love again.
I'm worried.
{I worry}
that something awful will happen to my daughter and husband
that if I don't hold on tight to
{EVERYONE}
I will lose them.
{EVERYONE}
I will lose them.
{I worry}
that we will never get back to a place that we can't financially survive
that we will burden those around us.
I'm Trusting.
{I trust}
that even though all of
these fears
these worries
these {LIES}
penetrate my heart and thoughts
and consume me
My. God. Is. Faithful.
Isaiah 43:1-3
But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior"
he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior"
Don't get me wrong.
This doesn't {instantly} make me feel better!
James 1 says:
James 1 says:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."
You know what my first response is to that?!
James. Was. WHACK!
{yeah I just went a little ghetto}
But seriously?!
JOY?!
You want me to be joyful that I lost my baby?!
You want me to be joyful that nearly every aspect of my life
is a{TOTAL}mess
without any sort of direction?!
You want me to be joyful that nearly every aspect of my life
is a{TOTAL}mess
without any sort of direction?!
You want me to be joyful when I see the ones I love hurting?!
Uhhh...
yeah.no.thanks.k.bye.
But isn't that what this journey we call
{faith}
is all about?
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines Faith as:
"(1)firm belief in something for which there is no proof
(2)complete trust"
Woah, mamma!
{COMPLETE TRUST}
Okay, that stings a little.
Not just a little trust
or
or
I kinda think it's true
or
yeah, I know God's in control, but...
{COMPLETE TRUST}
(don't lose this thought... I will come back!)
I sat with Evan this evening and we talked about how we're feeling today.
Today (the 29th) would be Daphne's 1 month birthday.
It's absolutely unreal to me.
Daphne- A little baby that never got to breath.
Eden- A big sister that never got to hold her new baby.
Evan- A daddy that never got to dance with his baby girl.
Me- A mommy that will never get to see all of her dreams for that little lady come true.
A MONTH.
So much has happened in a month.
A lot of decisions made.
{Big Ones!}
A lot of lives shaken.
{In good ways and bad}
I can say that this month is one that I will never forget.
But I SO wish I could.
But then...
I would lose all of these memories.
You see,
time is a strange thing.
It passes so quickly.
Almost as if it's not there at all.
You want to grab hold and make it stop
all the while
wishing it would just hurry up so you can move on.
I want so badly to just
{feel better}
to be able to breath again.
I want to be able to see people
and not feel like I'm going to pass out if they mention anything about or related to Daphne
BUT
I want to feel this hurt and anguish
because I don't want to forget
my beautiful daughter.
{How's that for a catch-22?!}
If losing Daphne has taught me one thing it's this
{I. Have. No. Control.}
not over my
emotions
life
loved ones
{NOTHING}
(Here's where that {COMPLETE TRUST} thing comes into play)
I can worry all day.
I can fear for every situation.
{and let me tell you... I'm SOOOO good at it!}
Jesus asks us this question in Matthew 6:
"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
I think it's safe to say He had a {preeetty} good point with that one.
I think all I've managed to gain from my worrying is
no sleep
a few gray hairs
and
a tummy ache!
Why do we choose to
Fear or Worry?
Why, as humans, is that always our first response?
Because we lack faith.
We lack
{COMPLETE TRUST}
in Him.
Don't get me wrong.
We can't muster up that faith on our own.
It's a gift that God blesses us with.
But He gives it to us none-the-less.
Matthew 6:31-34
"31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the world runs after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
{I think this next part was written specifically to me}
"34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
SO...
Do I know why the Lord chose to take Daphne?
No.
Do I know what good will come of this?
No.
Am I happy about it?
Heck No!
{happiness is not to be confused with joy. more on that later}
Do I know where He's going to provide a home for us?
No.
But I have a God who makes big promises.
And He's given me the {faith} to have
{COMPLETE TRUST}
when He says:
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11-
You see...
while I don't know
what will happen
how it will happen
when it will happen
I {do} know that it's all happening
For His glory and Our good.
I may not like that answer in this current moment
but He promises that
He will make His plans known to us
and when He does...
it's going to be one heck of a blessing.
Matthew 6:31-34
"31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the world runs after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
{I think this next part was written specifically to me}
"34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
SO...
Do I know why the Lord chose to take Daphne?
No.
Do I know what good will come of this?
No.
Am I happy about it?
Heck No!
{happiness is not to be confused with joy. more on that later}
Do I know where He's going to provide a home for us?
No.
But I have a God who makes big promises.
And He's given me the {faith} to have
{COMPLETE TRUST}
when He says:
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11-
You see...
while I don't know
what will happen
how it will happen
when it will happen
I {do} know that it's all happening
For His glory and Our good.
I may not like that answer in this current moment
but He promises that
He will make His plans known to us
and when He does...
it's going to be one heck of a blessing.
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I am truly amazed by you Jess!! I absolutely LOVE seeing how eventhough the most unimaginable tragedy has happened to you and your family that you know to and choose to cling to the Lord! Praise Him!! That's amazing!! It is truly incredibly admirable! I love you and your heart! And I am sure that the Lord is so pleased and so proud of you! Love, Hallie
ReplyDeleteYou are just about THE most inspirational person I've ever known! I love you and your family! Hang in the baby. God has both arms around you.
ReplyDeletecouldn't agree more with Brandi Adkins
ReplyDeleteJessi! You are a remarkable young woman! Thank you so much for your courage. You have inspired me to take a look inside my soul tonight. I am blessed to know you...thank you for openly sharing your heart in a way that touches mine. The body of Christ expands in many ways and YOU, my sister, are reaching out in ways that communicate His grace and mercy, His promises and His truth, and His joy and His love for us. love to you jessi!
ReplyDeleteHow big can I thank you for the depth of honesty!!! Sweet beautiful amazing Jessi...we are so blessed to have you in our church and community. Thank you for helping all of us navigate our pain, abandonment, resentment, and fear. Thank you for the courage to speak it out loud, call it what it is...and then help us find the truth. Please keep sharing out loud...we miss you too!!!
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