Sunday, March 18, 2012
Time Flies... Time Crawls...Time Stands Still
"Our days are identical suitcases - all the same size - but some days have more packed into them than others."
~Unknown~
Time.
Is.
Relative.
Three weeks ago this night I laid in a hospital bed while nurse after nurse fumbled over equipment struggling to detect anything that sounded remotely like the heartbeat of my baby.
{what felt like years of agonizing uncertainty
was really just less than 20 minutes.}
When Dr. Covey came in to do an ultrasound because the nurses never succeeded...
I
SWEAR
it took 30 minutes
{nope... maybe 5}
The 5 words that came next echoed for years in my head
"I'm sorry. There's no heartbeat."
I honestly felt like I wasn't inside of my own body.
Like I was watching a movie of a mother and father being told the most horrific words imaginable.
In that moment
{Time. Stood. Still.}
This is one of those moments that you don't want time to stop.
A moment you wish would vanish.
Never to be thought of again.
I HATE THAT DAY
Nothing will ever make my memory of February 26, 2012 better.
A day so full of joy and celebration
{SHATTERED}
by 5 words.
FLY FORWARD
{because that's exactly what it felt like. flying. too fast to control anything.}
TO WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 29, 2012
Less than 12 hours after I woke up
my beautiful baby
my second child
my sweet Daphne Grace
entered the world
without a sound
and was placed on my chest
to be loved in the most intense was I could love her.
{why couldn't that moment have stopped?!}
{why couldn't I have been able to hold her forever?!}
{why do the moments I yearn for to be longer escape in the blink of an eye?!}
As a family we had Daphne's
peaceful
still
little body
in our arms for less than 6 hours.
{it felt like nano-seconds}
I can't so much say I HATE that day.
I was able blessed to hold my baby.
It was her birthday.
She.
Was.
Beautiful.
In all her
4 lbs. 11oz.
19" long
thick black haired
perfection.
FAST FORWARD
{because time didn't quite fly}
TO FRIDAY MARCH 2, 2012
We celebrated our sweet baby with
scripture
prayer
music
laughter
{when Eden waltzed into the chapel with a Bart Simpson doll as Evan was saying hello to everyone. yes. we laughed. hard. she is such a light of joy to us.}
Surrounded by family and friends that have been with us every moment of this.
This time didn't seem fleeting or slacken.
It was a perfect time of reflection.
A time of thanking God for the time with Daphne.
{no matter how short}
The last three days have consisted of me being stretched to my limits.
Friday we mustered up the courage to pick up
the ashes of our sweet girl.
{what a surreal feeling!}
 |
| we couldn't have asked for it to turn out better! |
-a silly side note-
after we picked up Daphne's ashes we had to go to the store.
my first thought upon getting out of the car was
"I can't leave her out here in the cold by herself!"
-ah the mind of a mommy-
Yesterday and today was the first time since New Year's Eve
that we
-as a family-
lead music worship at church.
Singing has been tough for me these last few weeks.
So needless to say...
Church was NOT easy.
But a dear, dear friend and mentor shared these words with me
"Do you know that when we sing praise and worship all of heaven joins with us and sings? So when you are singing praise and songs of adoration to God, Daphne is singing with you! She is in the presence of God with all those in the Heavenly realm that have gone on before us cheering us onward. But in that moment of praise and worship we are all one.
Sing with her.
Enter into the presence of God together in praise."
Thank you. Thank you for this amazing encouragement.
My heart has been heavy remembering the moments that seemed to linger.
My heart has been sad remembering the moments that went so quickly.
But today
Singing praises to the God who makes ALL things new
My heart was LIGHT.
My heart was filled with a joy that I cannot muster up in myself.
I know peace.
I know HIS peace.
The peace that surpasses all understanding of
"WHY?!"
"WHY?!"
The peace that tells me that everything happens for His glory and our good.
And let me tell you...
Today
singing
and
thinking of my baby girl
{Time. Stood. Still.}
and I couldn't be more content.
Thank you, Lord for your peace.
For your strength.
For my Sweet Eden who brings me such Joy.
For my husband who protects and loves me.
For our family who supports us in every way imaginable.
For our friends who have encouraged us day in and out.
For Daphne.
Our
victorious
girl.
I anticipate the moment we enter His gates and see her beautiful face.
But until then I will find such
joy
and
fulfillment
in praising our God knowing she sings with me.
"1.How lovely is your dwelling place,
LORD Almighty!
2.My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD.
------
10.For better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere."
than a thousand elsewhere."
-Psalm 84-
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Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope
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This is amazing! Simply. Amazing. I am so sorry for your loss, you have been so brave and courageous, that i admire you every second of every day. God is Amazing, your husband is amazing to you, and that precious Eden is a gift from Heaven!
ReplyDeleteWords cannot convey how much reading this has touched me. God is using you in such a way that is touching so many people. I thank God for you and your family. Seeing you up on stage doing worship brought joy, and touched deep inside my soul, where I felt my spirit move. You are all in my prayers
ReplyDeleteBless you and your family. You are such an inspiration for your strength of faith through such a trial. I know Daphne is smiling down upon you.
ReplyDelete