Friday, March 23, 2012
When Skies Are Grey - The moments that just aren't so glorious
Friday, March 23, 2012
You know that scene that's used often in books and films?
The one where there's a totally broken woman driving in her car.
She's crying, banging the steering wheel, then finally
literally {SCREAMS} out to God.
"Why?! What's the point?! God, WHY?!"
"It's not FAIR!"
Then there's just the silence with her sobs and gasps for air breaking through every few seconds.
Yeah...
that crazed, exasperated woman was me today.
that crazed, exasperated woman was me today.
{guilty}
I went to bed last night longing for my baby.
Angry about my empty tummy, empty arms.
Nothing to show for her existence but for a few positive pregnancy tests, ultrasound pictures, and the few mementos we have from her birth.
{HOW IS THIS FAIR?!}
{She doesn't get to be enjoyed. I don't get to enjoy her!}
3 weeks without her hit me heavy last night.
No amount of positive distraction kept my mind off her.
This morning I woke up.
And instantly resolved to staying in bed and that.was.that!
{who'm i kidding? 3.6 seconds later my door BLEW open to a 3 foot high, footie jammied tornado}
Up I was.
Foggy minded.
Hardly able to focus.
But up, none the less.
Things were rough today. I gave up about 7,498,908,907 times.
{no I'm serious... that many!}
Nothing was going right.
Nothing was going my way
{after all, I was up}
I have to say, this has been one of my lowest days so far.
I know what some of you are thinking
"What?! It should be getting 'better', getting 'easier'!"
{oh friends, how I wish that were so}
I'm filled with so many questions.
So many "what if's".
So many "I wish I would have's".
So many "This can't be possible's"
and a few "No, I {REFUSE} to accept's"
So many "This can't be possible's"
and a few "No, I {REFUSE} to accept's"
Then...
God has a funny way of bringing everything back to Him.
Sometimes I want to stomp my feet, pout, and say
"no, I don't wanna be joyful! I don't wanna be encouraged!
I WANNA BE MAD!"
and he says
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted"
- Matt 5:4
and
"I
have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you
will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."
-
John 16:33
So
while I really don't feel like
praising,
singing,
giving
Him the Glory...
He
does it Himself.
And
of course reminds me that
my
life is to be a beacon.
For
His glory and my Good
{whether
I like it or not}
As I
was writing, this song came to mind
{I
can't figure out how to just post the song without a video so I'll just share
the lyrics that hit me most}
"Jesus, Draw me ever nearer
as I labor through the storm
You have called me to this passage
and I'll follow, though i'm worn
May this journey bring a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
and at the end of my hearts testing
with your likeness let me wake"
"Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer"
~Keith and Kristyn Getty~
I'm not always going to have a great outlook.
I'm not always going to have a positive attitude.
{I'm. Not. Strong.}
I cannot muster up the strength in myself to get out of bed in the morning.
But He gives me strength.
He gives me joy that I don't understand.
When I want to curl up and hide from the world in a dark hole
He calls me out and says
"I have overcome the world!"
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Oh Jessi. My heart aches with yours reading your words. I know that as time passes you are going to have great days, good days and bad days and it's important to let yourself feel those emotions, because it's through those emotions and wrestling with God for answers that you are going to find healing and comfort. I'm praying for you and this journey that you are walking. Draw close to your husband and your precious Eden. Those verses are sweet reminders of the goodness of our God. One day He will make all things right. <3
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