For His Glory and Our Good: grief

Time Flies... Time Crawls...Time Stands Still

Sunday, March 18, 2012

"Our days are identical suitcases - all the same size - but some days have more packed into them than others."

~Unknown~

Time.

Is.

Relative.

Three weeks ago this night I laid in a hospital bed while nurse after nurse fumbled over equipment struggling to detect anything that sounded remotely like the heartbeat of my baby.

{what felt like years of agonizing uncertainty

was really just less than 20 minutes.}

When Dr. Covey came in to do an ultrasound because the nurses never succeeded...

SWEAR

it took 30 minutes

{nope... maybe 5}

The 5 words that came next echoed for years in my head

"I'm sorry. There's no heartbeat."

I honestly felt like I wasn't inside of my own body.

Like I was watching a movie of a mother and father being told the most horrific words imaginable.

In that moment

{Time. Stood. Still.}

This is one of those moments that you don't want time to stop.

A moment you wish would vanish.

Never to be thought of again.

I HATE THAT DAY

Nothing will ever make my memory of February 26, 2012 better.

A day so full of joy and celebration

{SHATTERED}

by 5 words.

FLY FORWARD

{because that's exactly what it felt like. flying. too fast to control anything.}

TO WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 29, 2012

Less than 12 hours after I woke up

my beautiful baby

my second child

my sweet Daphne Grace

entered the world

without a sound

and was placed on my chest

to be loved in the most intense was I could love her.

{why couldn't that moment have stopped?!}

{why couldn't I have been able to hold her forever?!}

{why do the moments I yearn for to be longer escape in the blink of an eye?!}

As a family we had Daphne's

peaceful

still

little body

in our arms for less than 6 hours.

{it felt like nano-seconds}

I can't so much say I HATE that day.

I was ~~able~~ blessed to hold my baby.

It was her birthday.

She.

Was.

Beautiful.

In all her

4 lbs. 11oz.

19" long

thick black haired

perfection.

FAST FORWARD

{because time didn't quite fly}

TO FRIDAY MARCH 2, 2012

We celebrated our sweet baby with

scripture

prayer

music

laughter

{when Eden waltzed into the chapel with a Bart Simpson doll as Evan was saying hello to everyone. yes. we laughed. hard. she is such a light of joy to us.}

Surrounded by family and friends that have been with us every moment of this.

This time didn't seem fleeting or slacken.

It was a perfect time of reflection.

A time of thanking God for the time with Daphne.

{no matter how short}

The last three days have consisted of me being stretched to my limits.

Friday we mustered up the courage to pick up

the ashes of our sweet girl.

{what a surreal feeling!}

we couldn't have asked for it to turn out better!

-a silly side note-

after we picked up Daphne's ashes we had to go to the store.

my first thought upon getting out of the car was

"I can't leave her out here in the cold by herself!"

-ah the mind of a mommy-

Yesterday and today was the first time since New Year's Eve

that we

-as a family-

lead music worship at church.

Singing has been tough for me these last few weeks.

So needless to say...

Church was NOT easy.

But a dear, dear friend and mentor shared these words with me

"Do you know that when we sing praise and worship all of heaven joins with us and sings? So when you are singing praise and songs of adoration to God, Daphne is singing with you! She is in the presence of God with all those in the Heavenly realm that have gone on before us cheering us onward. But in that moment of praise and worship we are all one.

Sing with her.

Enter into the presence of God together in praise."

Thank you. Thank you for this amazing encouragement.

My heart has been heavy remembering the moments that seemed to linger.

My heart has been sad remembering the moments that went so quickly.

But today

Singing praises to the God who makes ALL things new

My heart was LIGHT.

My heart was filled with a joy that I cannot muster up in myself.

I know peace.

I know HIS peace.

The peace that surpasses all understanding of
"WHY?!"

The peace that tells me that everything happens for His glory and our good.

And let me tell you...

Today

singing

and

thinking of my baby girl

{Time. Stood. Still.}

and I couldn't be more content.

Thank you, Lord for your peace.

For your strength.

For my Sweet Eden who brings me such Joy.

For my husband who protects and loves me.

For our family who supports us in every way imaginable.

For our friends who have encouraged us day in and out.

For Daphne.

Our

victorious

girl.

I anticipate the moment we enter His gates and see her beautiful face.

But until then I will find such

joy

and

fulfillment

in praising our God knowing she sings with me.

"1.How lovely is your dwelling place,

LORD Almighty!
^{2.My soul yearns, even faints,}
for the courts of the LORD.

------

10.For better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere."

-Psalm 84-

What Do You Say When There Aren't Enough Words?

Thursday, March 15, 2012

"We ought to celebrate the positive glorious gifts of God, but the worth of God shines in a powerful way to the world when in the midst of suffering we still don't curse God but say

'the Lord gave and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.'"

~John Piper~

In July the Lord gave us our sweet Daphne.

18 Days ago the Lord took her away from us before we ever got to meet.

My heart is broken.

My heart is angry.

My heart HURTS.

But I know that His plans are far {GREATER}

than anything I can fathom.

And so in my

brokeness

anger

HURT

I will bless His name. I will praise Him. I will SING.

I was blessed by the words of a friend recently.

They said:

"Just think, 8 months in your belly was all she needed. Now she's in Heaven with our God. She never had to experience the pain and ugliness that this world has to offer."

My first reaction was:

I DON'T CARE! I WANT HER NOW!

But then I have to think...

My deepest desire in life -as a mother- is to protect my children from the pain and ugliness in this world.

That they would seek Christ and know a deeper joy.

Daphne has that!

She knows that joy better than I.

She not only seeks Christ,

She {SEES} Christ.

In all His Glory.

She praises Him now as I write this.

She knows Him and knows what prize is awaiting us.

I'm intrigued by this quote.

"As soon as a baby enters the world, the baby is immediately introduced to pain. It is somewhat symbolic that life begins with a cry."

~R.C. Sproul~

I never had the joy of hearing my sweet Daphne cry.

But knowing that she never has to cry and never has to experience pain in any form is an incredible comfort to

my mommy heart.

I miss her so deeply.

Each night as I write her little notes I can smell her sweet scent.

{She smelled like cinnamon. The sweetest cinnamon.}

I lay awake thinking about all the things I wanted to
do with her
show her
teach her.
All the kisses I would have given her.

I think about the moments that I longed for just watching Eden play with her and love her.

I think about how much Evan loves her and all the things he would have done with her.

Then I think about the
Unfailing Love
that Christ is pouring over her.

How can I compete with that?!

This song that I attached has given me a lot of peace.
It was shared with me by a dear friend.
It's a simple reminder that while I
{instinctively}
think nobody can love my baby the way can,
we serve a God who loves us far beyond our imagining.
And His love for Daphne isn't anything less.

While I long for my sweet girl to be in my arms

and I wish I could wake up to a reality where

{NONE}

of this were real,

I must own this pain.

I must accept this horrible nightmare as my reality.

I must have

{HOPE}

that through my brokenness and hurt

my God has a great purpose for my sweet girl with Him.

And I can't wait for the moment that I get

to see what amazing things He has for her.

I LONG for the day I hold her again.

For the moment I see her sweet, beautiful face.

My heart cries

~COME QUICK, LORD! I WANT MY BABY!~

because I'm impatient

But I'm also anxious to see what path the Lord has for us here. What children He blesses us with.

What amazing things he will do through our loss of our sweet

Daphne Grace.

I already see mountains moved. I already see hearts touched.

Hearts that I never thought I would see changed.

God has absolutely

{DESTROYED}

our picture of what we wanted in life.

But ALL for His Glory and our good.

Praise Him for these miracles.

Praise Him for our miracle in Daphne.

She has ROCKED this world

and never even had to

experience it.

Take those perfect little toes and

Dance with Jesus, Sweet Daphne.

You. Are. Healed.

"Joy in affliction is rooted in the hope of resurrection, but our experience of suffering also deepens the root of that hope."

~John Piper~

Time Flies... Time Crawls...Time Stands Still

What Do You Say When There Aren't Enough Words?

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