Friday, February 1, 2013

February {A little reflection}

Friday, February 01, 2013
February is here. 

I'm having some extremely mixed emotions about this month.

We will celebrate
{if you can call it that}
the birthday of our second born,
{stillborn},
Daphne Grace.

I feel like I should have a plan
or
prepare for it somehow.

I've talked with many mother's
who bake cakes, 
plant entire gardens,
have actual "parties"
to "celebrate" their babies...
I kind of just want to take the day off of work and stay in bed.

Not because I want to be a Daisy Downer, 
but because I really just want to be quiet, all day, and just remember.
I don't want to have any distractions...

Is that weird?

I want to be able to cry when I feel like it and not have to hide...
I want to be able to look at pictures...
I want, 
{more than anything}
to just feel like she's here...
just for a moment. 

I realize that probably sounds crazy.

And the other hard part...
Daphne was born on Leap Day.
{2013 doesn't have a Leap Day!}
So when do I actually
"celebrate"
her day?

I really don't want it to be the 28th since that's not a day of significance
in the big scheme of things...

But I don't really want it to be the 26th either.
That was the day we found out she was gone and that...
is a day I hate.

I don't know... 


This year has taught me a lot.
I feel like I've grown tremendously
but at the same time, 
I feel like I'm stuck.

I've come to know that
the Lord is faithful,
even when
{especially when}
I am not. 

And I kind of just want to spend Daphne's day
remembering all that I've learned from
her short, short time with us. 

Obviously,
all of this is for us
{for me}
and not for her.
She's so much happier
in Heaven,
with our Savior,
than I could ever imagine. 

She is at peace.

I think that I want to dwell on that image.

{She. Is. Alive} 

It's difficult for me, still, to wrap my head around that fact,
but it brings such peace to my mamma heart.

Someday, I'll get to hold her, and squeeze her, and see her dance before our God.

Until that day...
I just get to remember.

2 comments:

  1. AnonymousFebruary 2, 2013 at 5:14 PM

    Jess your heart will give you perfect plans and it sounds to me like you have really great start :) Afterall even when we plan these big parties for our kids what our hearts are saying is we love and cherish you. We as moms spend most of the day reflectiing on the time that has gone by. So turn off your phone close the blinds and you and your family celebrate and spend time with your angel. As for a date the 29th comes after the 28th and just because the calander says that day isnt there doesnt really mean its not.... Besides your calander will forever have 29 days in Feb. We love you lots and the whole Daggett will be as always remember in my prayers <3
    Carrie Case

    ReplyDelete
  2. ElizabethMarch 21, 2013 at 11:47 AM

    Thank you for sharing. Found your blog through the StillProject. Our son also passed in February and we just celebrated his first birthday (we were given the gift of two days with him.)
    God is good and we continue to trust His love and mercy to us.
    Liz

    ReplyDelete

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