Am I still allowed to be sad?
Am I still allowed to cry?
Am I allowed to be happy?
Am I allowed to smile?
Two. Years. Since our world was turned upside down.
Two. Years. Since our family lost a piece of our puzzle.
Two. Years. Since I first cried a cry I didn't know I could.
Two. Years. Since I was told my 34 week old, unborn baby had died. 
Many will say {have said} Two Years is {enough}
Enough?
Will it ever really be enough?
A lot has happened in the two years since Daphne was born.
She has a new little sister.
I think she would have loved Lydia. 
Some days I play with Eden and Lydia and wonder what it would be like to have Daphne here too.
Some days I feel guilty for enjoying the girls. 
Some days I feel guilty for missing Daphne when I have such blessings in Eden and Lydia.
Some days...
Well... some days I am just angry.
I'm sad.
I feel empty.
I feel joyful.
I feel peace.
I feel like nothing could possibly make me feel better.
I feel like a crazy person for still feeling all these things...
The funny thing about grief {or not so funny thing...} is that you just can't predict it.
Suddenly out of nowhere the wind is knocked out of me, I feel like I can't stand, and I want to run away from all human contact and hide indefinitely. In the two years since we learned that Daphne's heart had stopped, I've learned amazing lessons.
I've experienced great adventures.
I've learned that a mamma's heart never stops growing and never stops loving.
I still re-live the moment she was born frequently.
Sometimes I dwell on our short time with her.
Sometimes a smell (usually of cinnamon) will remind me.
Sometimes it's the news of a friend that has experienced the loss of a child that brings me back to that moment.
It's just something that can't be un-seen un-felt or un-remembered.
Two years and I can still give you every last detail of her.
No, it's not {enough}
Yes, life goes on and the world around me changes. New seeds root to the Earth and new flowers bloom.
The seasons change.
Tears get fewer and farther between. But it's never {enough} time to be {all better}.
Just as there could never have been enough time in the world to spend with her and breathe her in, there will never be enough time that passes.

But one thing in all of this terrible, beautiful journey that is {enough} is the infinite, enduring, healing love of our God. 
That Love. It's why I can wake up each morning and breath again. It's why I can smile through the grief and pain. It's what gives me deep resounding peace.
That Love is what gave Daphne to me in the first place.
That Love is what is surrounding her now. 
That Love is how my life goes on.
And most importantly...
That Love is how her life goes on. 
Two Years. Twenty Two Years. Seventy Two Years.
Will never be {enough} But trusting the love that God has poured out over us through all of those times will always be enough. 
Happy 2nd Birthday my Sweet Daphne Grace.
I wish I could see you waddling around Heaven with your head full of curly black hair.
You are loved sweet baby. You are missed deeply and terribly. And while I still don't want to accept it, You are right where you need to be. ** I have decided to share one photo of our girl. Nobody apart from our family has ever seen her face and I feel like now my heart is ready to share her. I'm sorry if you're offended or upset by the photo.**

**I've been feeling like this reminder needs to be played in our heads.  Again. and Again. and Again. and Again..."
Taking on the title of {Mommy} looks a lot different for everyone. 
But whether you're a SAHM (Stay At Home Mommy) WM (Working Mommy)
WAHM (Work At Home Mommy)
or a fabulous hybrid of any of those... somethings are always the same.
Being Mommy means: Giving up yourself physically for another tiny human. (whether you carried the baby or not, you still sacrifice in this area) Going to bed late. Waking up early. Getting dressed in clean clothes only to be puked on 3.7 seconds later. Being willing to give up every last breath you have to protect your babes from the big bad world. Worrying your face off that you're not doing the "right" things. Making every effort to make sure they have just what they need. {and often more than they need}
Being Mommy means:
Sometimes not showering for multiple days on end. Sometimes not actually knowing how many days it really has been. Kissing boo boos. Singing songs. Reading books. Playing games. Not talking to a grown human for several days. Using toddler talk when you do finally talk to a grown human
{or}
Not having anything relevant to say when you talk to another grown human.
Sometimes...
Being Mommy means:
Being the bad guy. You get the ugly, grumpy faces when everyone else gets the smiles. You have to fix hurt feelings even when you didn't cause them. You lose your temper. You feel guilty for losing your temper. You feel embarrassed for losing your temper. You apologize for losing your temper.
But you know what else  Being Mommy means?

It means you have a small person(s) watching you. learning from you. admiring you. loving you. wishing they could be just like you.
You see... Being Mommy isn't always glorious and it most definitely isn't always glamorous...
But it is Always. Worth it.
You ARE a good mom. Whether today feels like a total BUST or it feels like you've conquered the world,  you. are. a good mom. 
Whether or not anyone got out of their jammies, whether or not the laundry got done, whether or not you made three healthy perfect meals...
You. Are. A good mom. 
Rest in the joy that those little's give you.
Breath in that smell. Cherish every last bit.
Nobody else can be that baby's Mamma the way you can. 

February.
We meet again.
Funny story... I've always disliked February because of Valentine's Day. Truth be told... until I was 16 I never had a Valentine. {so that may have played a part in that loathing} {ahem... moving on...} I always balked at the cheesey wheesey romancy stuff.
The over priced chocolates and roses and teddy bears that do an {I Love You} boogie to the tune of "Hound Dog" The excuse that people used to go WAY out of their way to "prove" their love to another human being.
WAY too many marriage proposals.
~~~~~~~~~~
Now I have a strange love/hate relationship with February. I want to skip it all together and I want it to stay forever {all in the same breath}
I want to avoid thinking about it, talking about it, being in it. I want to pretend like it doesn't exist. 
BUT
I want to dwell on it. Tell the world about it. Be in it. And pretend like it's all that does exist.
{you can say it... "weeeeiiiirrrdoooo..."}
See remembering is a hard thing to do. It's hard because that means you re-feel. You bring back to mind all the things {good and bad} that are a part of whatever it is you're remembering.
The smells, the rain, the blooming daffodils, the snow, the sunshine, the heartache, the inability to breath... that beautiful, beautiful girl.
You see I hated February because of all the roses...
and then... there were Daffodils.

We live in an age that fears weakness.

Whether it be our own weakness or that of those around us, we are just so
uncomfortable at the sight of true vulnerability or weakness.

So much so that we often encourage people around us who are struggling to just {Be Strong!!}

A friend loses a loved one...
{Be strong! That's what he/she would have wanted!}

A marriage falls apart...
{Be strong! You're going to be okay! You're better off!}

A life threatening diagnosis is given...
{Be strong! You're so much bigger than this illness!}

We're so ready to help people
{Be Strong!}
but we run faster than lightening when
we're faced with weakness.

Why?
I've decided {in all my observing}  it's because we don't know how to deal with our own issues, let alone truly help someone through their's.
So now I want to ask...
What are we {as Christians} called to?

Strength?
No, quite the contrary...

2 Corinthians 12:9-
"Be he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
Psalm 34:17- When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

2 Corinthians 13:4-
For he was crucified in weakness, but lives by the power of God.

1 Corinthians 1:27-
God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong.

God wants our weakness so that He might make us strong.  God wants our struggles so that He might lead us to victory. God wants our troubles so that HE might walk us through them and be Glorified.
I encourage you to  allow yourself to be  {weak} so that God might make you  {STRONG}.
2 Corinthians 13:9- For we are glad when we are weak and you are strong. Your restoration is what we pray for.
I encourage you to seek the Lord in weakness and allow Him to restore you. 

I'm afraid.
My whole life
{for whatever reason(s)}
I've been terrified.

Of what you ask?
{Being a Disappointment}

I feared my grades in school because I didn't want to be a failure.
I feared failure because that meant that someone's expectation of me wasn't being upheld.
I feared being close with people because that means I might not be what/who they want or expect me to be...
I still struggle daily with this. 
I find myself longing to say "No"
but I just can't because I want to be {to feel} included.
I'm afraid that if my friends are able to go on and enjoy themselves without me that they mat not want me around anymore.
{obviously I don't think my friends NEED me} {i just fear being replaced}
I fear that my daughters will grow up and have bad memories of me. I fear that I'll never have anything valuable to offer them. I fear that I'm going to {FAIL} as a mother and be a disappointment to them.
I fear that if I don't keep the house clean and cook amazing healthy meals I'll {FAIL} at being a good wife and I'll disappoint my husband.
I fear that I'm not a "good Christian" because I {FAIL} to do the "right" things and I don't read my Bible as often as I "should" and that I'm a disappointment to God.
Anyone else feel this fear?
Anyone see the problem in this {"Fear of Disappointment"} ???
It's ALL about ME. 
There it is. 
me. Me. ME.
Where in any of my fears have I stopped and sought truth in them?

My Girls could care less about anything I do so long as I spend time with them and show them affection and speak love into their lives and hearts.
My husband could {usually ;) } care less if the laundry isn't all finished, the dinner isn't done, and the house is a mess... So long as I show him the respect and love he deserves and needs. 
As far as disappointing God... Let's be real.  God knows my inner-most thoughts. He created me.  He knows my sinful nature and therefore has no illusion about what I am or am not capable of. 
Really all this fear... is of myself. I'm afraid to disappoint me. 
And I beat myself up day in and day out over my own selfish heart. And as a result, {I fail} {I disappoint} all because I'm so caught up in {Me Monster Mode}
Time. For. Change.
I want to live unafraid. I want to live presently. I want to live a life that blesses my family and doesn't fear them. I want to honor my God with my life and be unafraid of what I "might" do wrong. 
2 Timothy 1:7 - For God gave a spirit not of fear but of power, love, and self-control.
{Power} The power to live according to His will.
{Love} The ability to love the Lord and the people that He has placed in our lives.
{Self-Control} The presence of mind to fight off those pesky lies of the enemy that tell us we're not good enough and to live in the truth that we CAN be a blessing.
God has not given you a spirit of {fear} but of {POWER} {LOVE} & {SELF-CONTROL} 

I'm not sure how to get out what I'm thinking, so if this is the most disjointed thing in history, I'm sorry.
I've been thinking a lot about why we do what we do how we do it...
and why we respond to things we do the way we do...
{confusing? yeah...}

The past few months have been good for us.
Stressful, busy, a skosh chaotic...
but overall {good}

We've been able to spend some really great quality time as a family. And for me... that's a little bit hard.
I get really uncomfortable. I know I've talked before about our culture's general fear of intimacy and I'm not sure if I'm afraid of feeling vulnerable or that I'm just so un-used to closeness that I don't know how to act or maybe it's that I'm afraid to say or do the wrong thing.

It's like the awkward "quiet" game. Usually that first person to talk is the really just the first person to feel completely {creeped out} by the lack of noise.
Except... I'm totally okay with quiet.
Probably {mostly} because it means I don't have to engage.
God calls us to quiet times but not because He wants to play the quiet game or so that we can disconnect.
{Quite the opposite really}
He calls us to quiet time so that he can shape us and teach us.
He calls us to quiet time {FOR} intimacy. He calls us to quiet time to {ENGAGE}
our hearts.

I want to encourage you to allow God to
engage your heart and truly pursue an understanding of Him.
That's my big task this "New Year".

{ENGAGE}

I've stayed away out of self control.

I didn't want to spill the beans too soon.
So now that the news is out
{mostly}
I have to say Man, oh Man! I've been itching to write!
For those of you who're not currently
{in the loop}
here's the news:

Here's the thing... {yes, it's going to get a littttle deep... that's how I roll}
I still ache for Daphne to be with us physically. She is every bit a part of our family as anyone else. We miss her terribly and long for the day we get be with her again. A new pregnancy doesn't magically make that go away.
Everyday I have to wake up and choose to trust that Lord has a great plan for our family and this new little life. 
{Ah-ha! Now don't get me wrong here!}
I choose to trust that the Lord will carry us through this. That DOES NOT mean that I trust that the Lord will deliver to us a living, breathing baby.
{as difficult as it is to accept... His plans > My plans} regardless of how things turn out.
Do I have {HOPE}  that this new life will be delivered to us? Yes. A million times,  {YES}
A phrase often heard in the Pregnancy and Infant Loss world is {"Rainbow Baby"}
The idea behind this phrase goes back to Genesis {the first book of the Bible} After the flood waters begin to recede and Noah and his family begin to have {HOPE} that they might get off that {stinky} boat,  God makes a covenant with Noah. He says - in Genesis 9:11"I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by waters of the flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the Earth."
So basically the correlation is that people see a subsequent pregnancy {after a loss} as a "promise" that this new baby will live. A "promise" that they won't endure the pain and anguish of loss again. 
Well, here I am, {Mary, Mary, quite contrary} to tell you... This baby is NOT my "Rainbow". 
I have no promise that my baby will be born to me breathing.
I have no covenant that this child will not be ushered into God's glory before birth.   But I DO have this promise: "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
A promise from God that He not only has a plan, but that it's good. And I will gain from it. {Regardless of the outcome!}
And in that promise, I have rest. I can be joyful. I can have {HOPE} that this journey, no matter how rocky, will prove to be the biggest blessing of our lives.
As we {together} walk this path of uncertainty {TRUSTING} that God will place each step in front of the other
and  {DESIRING} His will in our life... We will be blessed. 
It may look like a lot of different things,  but it will always be  {for His glory and our good}.
Please continue to pray with us as we excitedly anticipate this new chapter in our life.
We are beyond blessed with some {AMAZING} prayer warriors and we know that  through it all,  we are loved. 

Blessings to you, dear friends!
P.S. I promise we'll tell you what we're having. Just not yet :)