Desire: To long or hope for. To ache, crave, yearn, or wish for.
Let me ask,  {What is your heart's desire?}
let this settle. simmer. 
Psalm 37:4 {that oh so famous (and abused if I may say so) verse} "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Oooohhhh...
so, we pray, we worship, we do good things that bring God glory... Then we get what we want, right?!
Seriously though, raise your hand if you ever prayed for a new car or a boyfriend or girlfriend or an A on the test you didn't study for... {you don't actually have to raise your hand} How many times did it happen? Maybe it did. But was it because you "did good stuff for God?"
Uhhh... No.  God is not a magic genie! Your wish is {NOT} His command. 
It's because God is gracious and merciful. 
Otherwise,  we'd all get a whole lot worse that coal in our stockings. {amiright?}
Let's continue down to the more important {in my opinion} and frequently ignored subsequent verses.
Psalm 37:5-7 "5Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act. 6He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. 7{here's the kicker!!!} Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!"
Be Still?
Wait Patiently?! {anyone else shiver when they read that "P" word?}
Want to know my desire?
I really, really want to have another baby.
Surprised? Probably not. 
I've "delighted myself in the Lord." I've praised Him in the "good and bad".
WHY. AM. I. NOT. PREGNANT?!
Am I being punished? No. Am I unworthy? No.
I've become SO obsessed with all the ways to "ensure conception" {betcha didn't know you could do that!} I've done all the tricks to try and time  {things} just right... No Success. 
I've pleaded and pleaded with God to just fill my womb with life. I've been good! I read my Bible. I pray!
But... Where is my focus? Am I reading and praying so that I might grow with the Lord? Am I seeking that His will would be made real in my life? Am I allowing myself to be {delighted} by Him? I mean true delight.
Delight: A high degree of gratification;  extreme satisfaction.
Am I delighted? Am I {Extremely Satisfied} by God?
Usually? ... no. And it's usually because I'm distracted by what I want and don't have. 
We've stopped "trying" to get Pregnant.  We've decided that there's nothing we can or cannot do to make this happen.
The Lord knows when He {if} He will bless us again. 
I'm learning to let my heart and my yearning be {delighted} by the God who has been so faithful to us. 
Am I perfect? Most certainly not.  I fail daily. But I'm learning. 
So let me ask again... {What is your heart's desire?}



A beautiful song. A great reminder.  Blessings, dear friends!

Here's to stirring up the pot...

I will start this post by stating that  this is not directed toward anyone in specific {my thoughts have accumulated over time} I simply want to ask this question to get thoughts moving and start some inward inspection... and perhaps change.
"What example are we setting?" I'm really overwhelmed and discouraged at the number of women I know that are absolutely wrapped up in the "Fifty Shades" drama.  Women who {boldly proclaim their faith in Christ} Women who {are openly opposed to men viewing pornography}
Women who {are saving their sexual purity for marriage}
Women who... {Are Married}    And the open dialogue of how "amazing" the books are. Or better yet, the excitement surrounding that fact that it's going to be a movie!! {seriously?! You're going to to go to the movies} {IN PUBLIC} {and watch this?!}
I just can't handle it...

As Christians,  we are called to live a life that is pleasing to God.  And to glorify Him in all we do. I'm not here to say "You Sinner's! Stop and Repent!!!"
My cry is that you consider the costs.  If you were to walk into a room and see your Husband, Fiancee, Boyfriend, Brother or {SON} even flipping through a nudy magazine,  Lets be honest... You'd be ticked! {I know I sure as heck would be!} And chances are you would feel like you aren't enough. You would feel like your husband wasn't satisfied by you. Or for those of you that aren't married yet  you would feel that you aren't worth waiting for. Or that you aren't a good enough example of a woman for the younger men in your life to keep their eyes pure.
Having all of this in mind, consider this... Sitting in your room,  enjoying the steamy, erotic, pages of a Fifty Shades book and in walks your Husband, Fiancee, Boyfriend, Brother...{SON}... How is your husband going to feel? Will he feel like you aren't satisfied by him? Your Fiancee? Boyfriend? Are they not enough for you to wait for to experience these things that are intended to be shared in your marriage? Your brother? Your Son?  What are they to think? Here you are reading {in detail} about other people having sex... {Pornography} What example are we setting for the men in our lives?
I think this is something that Christian and Non-Christian alike should be considering. 
{and side note ** it's a total slap in the face that the main character of this series is named "Christian"**}
We all want to set a solid example for our loved ones,  {right?}
"I think I want to encourage my children to sexual frivolity" {said No Parent Ever!}
What is it going to take to wake us up to the junk that is infiltrating our lives?
What image of sexual intimacy are we painting for our children? I pray that this be a question that you ask yourself. 
What example is set before your children, your siblings, Your Husband/Fiancee? 
Please hear me,  {Sin. Is. Sin} We cannot judge and say that one sin is greater than another.  We all sin.  We all struggle with right and wrong.  But that doesn't mean we go on doing it because it's fun or because {it feels good.}
Sin comes in many shades and apparently this "Fifty Shades of Grey" is a stumbling block for a lot of women. 
I know that many of you who read this aren't necessarily  self proclaiming followers of the Christian Faith. I appreciate your thoughts and input in my life,  so please understand that I find this crude and wrong even outside of my beliefs of Christianity.   
For my fellow believers in Christ, I'm going to leave you with this challenge...
Romans 6: 1 Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more kindness and forgiveness? 2 Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? 3 Or have you forgotten that when we became Christians and were baptized to become one with Christ Jesus, we died with him? 4 For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives. 5Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised as he was. 6 Our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. 7 For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. 8 And since we died with Christ, we know we will also share his new life. 9 We are sure of this because Christ rose from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. 10 He died once to defeat sin, and now he lives for the glory of God. 11 So you should consider yourselves dead to sin and able to live for the glory of God through Christ Jesus. 12 Do not let sin control the way you live; do not give in to its lustful desires. 13 Do not let any part of your body become a tool of wickedness, to be used for sinning. Instead, give yourselves completely to God since you have been given new life. And use your whole body as a tool to do what is right for the glory of God.

Okay... It's been a bit, yeah? Well that's because {A LOT} has happened. 
We moved {again} We have {kind of} gotten back into a regular schedule and We've made some pretty major life shifts. 
Wanna know what's up?!
Good! 'Cause I'm gonna tell ya. 
As of tomorrow,  Thursday August 9th, Evan will no longer be employed by the Gospel Rescue Mission of Grants Pass.
This is a very bitter sweet move for us. His position there for the past three years has blessed our family in ways that truly only God knows. It has been an incredible journey and a wonderful growth experience for both Evan and I. 
While we are sad to leave the Mission,  we are very excited to announce that Evan has been offered a more "permanent" position at GPHS working with the band at a deeper capacity than he has over the last several years. He will be the Percussion Instructor and help Travis with other things that need to be done. 
We've been praying for the Lord to make clear where He wants Evan and we're confident that this is where we've been lead.
This new position will also work very well with Evan's school schedule that will begin in the end of September. He will be attending RCC to finish his Associates Degree and later move onto a Bachelor's program elsewhere {don't worry, it'll likely be online so we're not going anywhere} {yet}
As for me, after a lot of prayer and "soul seeking" I've decided to start a program to become a Perinatal Health Educator. I'll start in September and hopefully by February will be a certified Labor and Postpartum Doula as well as a certified Childbirth Educator and Lactation Counselor. 
I'm very excited that I've landed here and can't wait to start learning more about something that I'm already so passionate about. 
As for Eden, well, I swear she is getting smarter by the second and I still am in awe of the blessing that she is to us. We are excited to watch her grow and learn and see what the Lord has in store for her sweetness. 
We are still fighting the battle of everyday grief and missing our Daphne deeply. Eden asks daily if there's "a new baby in mommy's tummy yet". I have to fight back tears and frustration each time I tell her "no, not yet, but we pray it will be soon."
And indeed we pray. This journey has been one that has grown us in ways we never could have imagined but we are blessed in the midst. And I have to let go of my control issues {surprised?} and trust that in His timing the Lord will bless us with another sweet baby. {please pray for me in this regard.} {this has been a deep struggle for me} 
Please,  pray with us as we make yet another transition in just a few short months.  We know that our God is our provider, our protection, and our comfort.  And all these paths in life that He leads us on are For His glory and our good. 
Blessings, dear friends,  P.S. I heard this song today and it definitely was a wonderful reminder of how awesome is the God we serve. 
Enjoy!

This is the storyof our journey so far.I will start from the day our sweet Daphne's heartstopped beating. 
February 26, 2012:A typical morning.I was woken up at 6amby Daphne's tiny toes doing an Irish Jig{in my ribs!}This was a day I had been looking forward to for weeks. Today was my baby shower!!!Which meant, I finally got to get up and about for just a little.I was SO overbeing on bed rest!
I got up, did my hair, got my outfit picked out.Woke Evan and Eden up, got them ready, and we were out the door.
10:30amA maternity photo shoot to start the day.It was cold.But I couldn't have been happier. I had the three most important people in my liferight there with me. 
SHOWER TIME!!!:)2pmI was so blessed by my family and friendsthat were able to come and join uswhile we celebrated the highlyanticipated arrival of Daphne. We had a wonderful time and officially hadall the clothes this little lady could possibly need. 
{throughout the day I was noticing that D's movements were less}{than normal but I thought being this my first time up and about}{in a few weeks, she was probably comfy, cozy, sleeping}
The party ended and we headed home.  5pmI was so worn out from the day.I needed a nap!I laid down in bed to rest a bit and my fears kicked in. On a typical day just laying down wouldget Daphne doing somersaults in my belly.Today... nothing. So I rolled over to coax her to move.Nothing.I rolled again.Nothing. Evan could sense that I was uneasy so he got outour heartbeat doppler to take a quick listen.We couldn't find her. I tried with all I had not to panic. I called Dr. Coveywho very sweetly encouraged me to just go to L&Dand have them monitor me.Knowing how insanely active Daphne always had been, she assured me that she had just squished into a funny spot so we couldn't find her. 5:30pmAs calmly as we could, we got E up from her nap and headedto the hospital. We called for someone to meet us there to take Eden. 5:45pmFirst triage tech comes in.First monitor, no heartbeat."Don't Panic" she says "I've had bad luck with this all day!"First Nurse comes in.Same monitor, no heartbeat.Doppler, no heartbeat.{they wanted it to be there just as bad as I did}Second nurse comes in.New monitor, nothing.New doppler, nothing."We're going to go ahead and call Dr. Covey so she can do an ultrasound."Dr. Covey rolls in with U/S machine. The moment she placed the wand on my tummy{I knew}No. Heartbeat.She looked and looked and lookedfor what felt like an eternity. Her head lowered.She removed the wand.Then she said it."I'm so sorry..."I felt like everything inside of mewas outside of me.I felt like I was in a movie.Watching some poor woman as she learned her baby had just died.But, it was me.
~Thus begins the worst week of my life~
Monday:Basically I was in bed all day.I wanted nothing to do with anything or anyone. 
Tuesday:We saw Dr. Coveyand decidedthat I would be induced the next day.That night I had to figure out how to pack a hospital bagthat didn't involve all of Daphne's baby stuff.~And my Mommy came. Such a wonderful blessing.~

The last picture of Daphne in my tummy. Tuesday Feb 28, 2012

Wednesday February 29,2012{Leap Day}6amEvan and I woke up to head to the hospitalfor what we knew would be a very difficult day.We prayed that morning that the Lord would meet us thereand make the entire process a smooth and quick as possible.
6:30amAt the Hospital getting checked in.The nurse that admitted mewas the same nurse that delivered and cared for Edenwhile she was a sick little newborn so that was avery special God send.Nurse Kim is wonderful.
7amDr. Covey came in to see me and visit for a bit.
Between 7 and 8 we had about 4 people come in just to pray with us. What an incredible feeling, knowing that we were beingcovered in so much love and prayer that day. 
8amIV Cath in. Pitocin flowing.(at this point I was 80% and a tight 2cm) Spent as much time up and about as I could.Was NOT looking forward to that epidural. 
10amDr. Covey came in to check on me. I was contracting pretty well but not really feelin' it. Still only 80% and 2.So Dr. Covey decided to break my water to get D's head engaged and try to get some good strong contractions going. 
(I knew that as soon as this happened it was going to get) (painful but both Dr & Nurse were certain it would take a while)
10:15amOWEEEEE!!!Definitely feeling it.Dr. Covey was adamant that I get an epidural and any other pain medication that I needed, as she did not want me to feel thephysical pain of the process. (which I was thankful for her wisdom)
10:30amCalled the nurse to let her know that I was hurting and needing something. Anesthesiologist was in surgery so it would be another hour and a half before he'd get there so she gave me a dose of{Fentanyl}Stuff. Is. Nuts! With only half a dose administered I was{GONE}Couldn't see straight.Couldn't talk right.My nose felt like someone was tickling it with a feather.but...the pain subsided. Then I fell asleep. (I have a very LOW tolerance to medication)
(SIDE NOTE: this only re-enforced my feelings on a)(non-medicated labor and birth process)  
11amAnesthesiologist was available and came in to give me the epidural.OUCH!!! (Again... still in favor of natural birth!)
12pmI asked the nurse to check me because I wasCERTAINthat I was progressing!...Nope. 100% (yay)stiiiiil sitting at a 2.
I was discouraged and scared. My fear was that this delivery would end in a c-sectionwhich would virtually end my chances of ever havinga natural birth ever again. 
But both the nurse and Dr. Covey assured methat they were in no hurry and thatit would be okay. 
With the epidural setI tried to get some more rest since I wasn't allowed to get up anymore and I figured it would take my mind off of the situation.
2pmWoke up feeling contractions and pressure.{So that means Epidural had worn off.} Called nurse to let her knowso she checked again. 100% and 2.5cm.SERIOUSLY?!
Scared and angry and everything in between.I was losing my grace at this point.I wanted to get off that bed, go home,and forget that{ANY}of this had ever happened. 
3pmReally feeling pressure.Didn't want to call the nurse because Ididn't want her to tell me I still had made no progress. So I just stayed quiet, focused on my own through contractions, tried not to be obvious about how I was feeling, and didn't say anything to anyone. 
4:00pmApparently it was beginning to show on my face.Mom, Sabina, and Evan all zoomed in and asked what I was feeling. I just told themLots of pressure, Kinda feeling like she's{REEEEEAAAALLLLY}low.They all said"Call The Nurse!"




4:15pmCalled nurse in.I told her that I felt like I needed to push. She very kindly said, "I checked you only two hours ago and you were still at 2. I don't think you're quite there."But she checked me anyway.
4:30pmThen she said"I can't find your cervix"with a very confused look on her face. All the while with each contractionmy body was pushing. No stopping it.No slowing it down.It. Was. Pushing.Nurse very briskly left and on her way out said to everyone in the room"If you're not going to be in here for the delivery, leave now!"{very kindly, mind you.}
4:40pmI started to panic."I'm not ready. I can't do this.""This can't be happening.""I want to go home."
But it was time.I had to do it. It{WAS}happening.
4:45pmI can hear Dr. Covey{literally}running down the hallway.She blasted into the roomput on a glove faster than I could say{"hi"}Tried to check me and said"Oh!"
4:50pmThrew on her face shield and cover and said,"It's time sweetie. Give me a good push."Contraction hit.I pushed.
4:53pm And there she was. Limp.Quiet.Eyes (appropriately) closed.In that moment all I could say was"Look at her."
Those words had{SO MANY}meanings in that moment.
I was overwhelmed by her lifelessness. But I wanted everyone to see her.
She was immediately placed on my chestwhere she stayed for the nexttwo and a half hours.
Daphne Grace DaggettFebruary 29, 20124lbs 11oz19 1/2 inches long11 1/2 in headA head FULL of black hairShe looked more like her sissy than I ever expected. We learned as soon as she was born the cause of her death.She was an active little lady from day one. The umbilical cord was wraped once tightly around her neck then stretched down her back to her left ankle where it was sutured so tightly that Dr. Covey could barely remove it.Dr. Covey stated that in all her years of practice she'd never seen anything like it and was pretty baffled.Between 2-4% of all stillbirths are caused by cord accidents.We just happened to be the very unlucky few. {the good news in this is that there were no defects with me or Daphne. That is a good sign for us trying again in the future.}
Our family and friends that were therecame in to see her.To say hello and goodbye in the same breath.
The nurses took her to get her dressed.We weren't able to bathe her like we had hopedbecause her skin was already so fragile.
Nurse Kim(who wasn't scheduled to work)came in on her own time so that she could be with us and Daphne and be a part of this journey with us. We are{SO}incredibly blessed to have had the{MOST AMAZING}nursing team. 

Daphne looked perfect in the little outfit thatEvan and I had bought for her. The hat I made actually fit.And her little sockies matched.
Evan and I had some quiet alone time with her for another 2 hours or so. I wanted with all my heart for her to just wake up.To open her eyes and stare at us.But she didn't. 
The nurse took Daphne{when we were ready}but assured us that if at any point we wanted to see herthat they would bring her to us. 
We tried to sleep.I was afraid to sleep. My tummy was emptymy heart was brokenand I felt as though I had been robbed.
 Thursday:A few more people came to visit. We did not have Daphne back yet that morning. The nurse came in and we decided that we wanted to say goodbyeone last time. I was so afraid to look at her face because I knew time would only make the appearance worse. Her small, lifeless hand was uncoveredso I held itkissed itand really didn't want to let it go.
About 10 minutes later the man from the funeral servicecame for her. That moment gutted me. I was letting her go away.With a stranger!I wanted to run after him and take her back.
We slowlyandquietly packed our stuffand left the hospitalempty handed. 
I went home and went to bed.
Friday:We had a small service with our close family and friends.It was quiet.It was small.It was perfect.
We praised God for his blessing of Daphne.We mourned deeply our loss of her. We spent our time being together.
I won't say~the end~becausefriends, it's merely the beginning.
Daphne changed all of us.People she never had the privilege of knowinghave been changed by her. The Lord used herin all her{tiny glory}to move mountains that I never believed could be. My heart was filled by her. I long everyday to have her back but I knowthat she is in the arms of a Fatherthat will care for her for all eternity.And that makes my heart lighter. 
I want to thank each and every single personwho prayed/is praying for us.Please continue.We need it. Evan, Eden, and I{and our families}have been so deeply touched by the love and kindnessthat has been poured out to us from all of you.
As we begin this lifelong journeywe trust that God will use us.We trust that this experience will be used to glorify Him.And that one day, we will get to see our Sweet Daphne{dancing with Jesus}