{that oh so famous (and abused if I may say so) verse}
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Oooohhhh... so, we pray, we worship, we do good things that bring God glory...
Then we get what we want, right?!
Seriously though, raise your hand if you ever prayed for a new car
or a boyfriend or girlfriend
or an A on the test you didn't study for...
{you don't actually have to raise your hand}
How many times did it happen?
Maybe it did.
But was it because you
"did good stuff for God?"
Uhhh... No.
God is not a magic genie!
Your wish is
{NOT}
His command.
It's because God is gracious and merciful.
Otherwise,
we'd all get a whole lot worse that coal in our stockings.
{amiright?}
Let's continue down to the more important {in my opinion}
and frequently ignored subsequent verses.
Psalm 37:5-7
"5Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act. 6He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,and your justice as the noonday. 7{here's the kicker!!!} Be still before theLordand wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!"
Be Still?
Wait Patiently?!
{anyone else shiver when they read that "P" word?}
Want to know my desire?
I really, really want to have another baby.
Surprised? Probably not.
I've "delighted myself in the Lord."
I've praised Him in the "good and bad".
WHY. AM. I. NOT. PREGNANT?!
Am I being punished?
No.
Am I unworthy?
No.
I've become SO obsessed with all the ways to "ensure conception"
{betcha didn't know you could do that!}
I've done all the tricks to try and time
{things}
just right...
No Success.
I've pleaded and pleaded with God to just fill my womb with life.
I've been good! I read my Bible. I pray!
But...
Where is my focus?
Am I reading and praying so that I might grow with the Lord?
Am I seeking that His will would be made real in my life?
Am I allowing myself to be
{delighted}
by Him?
I mean true delight.
Delight: A high degree of gratification;
extreme satisfaction.
Am I delighted?
Am I
{Extremely Satisfied}
by God?
Usually? ... no.
And it's usually because I'm distracted by what I want and don't have.
We've stopped "trying" to get Pregnant.
We've decided that there's nothing we can or cannot do
to make this happen.
The Lord knows when He
{if} He will bless us again.
I'm learning to let my heart and my yearning be
{delighted}
by the God who has been so faithful to us.
Am I perfect?
Most certainly not.
I fail daily.
But I'm learning.
So let me ask again...
{What is your heart's desire?}
A beautiful song. A great reminder.
Blessings, dear friends!
**I want to clarify that in no way do see having another baby as replacing Daphne. I know that most don't understand this concept. But please know that our loss of Daphne will forever be that. We lost one child and she can never be replaced. Just like Eden cannot be replace.
We've prayed long a hard and feel that the Lord has put us in a place of trying to conceive and waiting.
We feel and have been encouraged that this will bring a great deal of healing to our little family.
But this post really isn't about babies... it's about allowing Chirst to fill our hearts and then everything else follows. **
Oh how I understand. We got pregnant, first try on our honeymoon... was too good to be true. We ended up losing that one and for three months, there was nothing. I know that's not a lot for some, but for someone who wanted a precious baby so badly, any day seems like an eternity. And then it happened when we had finally said that we would just let things happen if they were supposed to. Easier said than done, I know... but I guess I'm trying to say I understand your frustrations and questions and I hope for nothing but the best for your sweet family.
And who knows, maybe it will happen now.. or not for a while.... or maybe this will encourage you guys to look into adoption and giving a child who is already here a way better life? So many unknowns. I certainly wish you the best. :)
I love your heart... you are an amazing writer. The pleasure of our hearts is such a vast space, what I wanted in high school is completely different than that I want today. And yet what I will want tomorrow may not be what I'm seeeking today. Its such a deep thought for such an early morning! :-) on another note... it may be good for your heart to fully embrace Daphne.. my friend had told me how depressed she became after losing her babies and quickly becoming pregnant with a different child, when her heart was longing for the child she had lost. I want a baby soooooo badly... the yearning to hold my baby is still so very strong...
you are so brave and honest, sweet girl. I admire you in so many ways. thank you for the reminder to switch my focus today. I really wasn't aware as to where my thoughts were stuck till I read this. xx...
Jessi, you are truly an amazing woman of God. This really resonated with me; I didn't completely realize that I was focusing on God for my desire rather than his goodness until you brought this up. I love how completely honest you are with those who look to you as well as yourself. You are always ready and willing to admit when you see that you are not in the mindset that God wants you to be in; so many times in life, we just ignore that. You are an amazing mother, and I can't wait until you and both Es are blessed with a new family member. I know you are not trying to replace Daphne, but instead feel that your family is not yet complete. I pray that you do come to delight yourself more and more in God and his abundant greatness! ...And I also pray that, in his timing, he provides you with another perfect little Daggett!
If you have found yourself on the journey of pregnancy or infant loss, I encourage you to join this blog. A community of families that know the journey well.
Oh how I understand.
ReplyDeleteWe got pregnant, first try on our honeymoon... was too good to be true. We ended up losing that one and for three months, there was nothing. I know that's not a lot for some, but for someone who wanted a precious baby so badly, any day seems like an eternity. And then it happened when we had finally said that we would just let things happen if they were supposed to. Easier said than done, I know... but I guess I'm trying to say I understand your frustrations and questions and I hope for nothing but the best for your sweet family.
And who knows, maybe it will happen now.. or not for a while.... or maybe this will encourage you guys to look into adoption and giving a child who is already here a way better life? So many unknowns. I certainly wish you the best. :)
I love your heart... you are an amazing writer. The pleasure of our hearts is such a vast space, what I wanted in high school is completely different than that I want today. And yet what I will want tomorrow may not be what I'm seeeking today. Its such a deep thought for such an early morning! :-) on another note... it may be good for your heart to fully embrace Daphne.. my friend had told me how depressed she became after losing her babies and quickly becoming pregnant with a different child, when her heart was longing for the child she had lost. I want a baby soooooo badly... the yearning to hold my baby is still so very strong...
ReplyDeleteyou are so brave and honest, sweet girl. I admire you in so many ways. thank you for the reminder to switch my focus today. I really wasn't aware as to where my thoughts were stuck till I read this. xx...
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome! Thank you for this reminder today. Also you are such an amazing person and I hope that you will be blessed with another little one.<3
ReplyDeleteJessi, you are truly an amazing woman of God. This really resonated with me; I didn't completely realize that I was focusing on God for my desire rather than his goodness until you brought this up. I love how completely honest you are with those who look to you as well as yourself. You are always ready and willing to admit when you see that you are not in the mindset that God wants you to be in; so many times in life, we just ignore that. You are an amazing mother, and I can't wait until you and both Es are blessed with a new family member. I know you are not trying to replace Daphne, but instead feel that your family is not yet complete. I pray that you do come to delight yourself more and more in God and his abundant greatness! ...And I also pray that, in his timing, he provides you with another perfect little Daggett!
ReplyDelete