Friday, June 29, 2012

It's Not Easy

Friday, June 29, 2012


Lately, for me, life is 
{straight up}
confusing!

Trying to make all the right choices
Do all the right things
Be a respectful and honoring wife
A loving, nurturing, and strong mother...

but what it feels like is:
Flying around with my pants on fire
like a chicken with it's head cut off
{awesome mental image right?!}
it's no exaggeration.

We've just completed
{and by completed I mean everything is in one place}
{and by no means organized}
our third move since the middle of January.

We are thrilled
{and incredibly blessed}
to have a space of our own again.

We were so blessed by the hospitality of
family and friends over the last 5 months
but with a wild and crazy toddler, space to
scream and make crazy messes is 
{invaluable}

But with our own home comes:
unpacking
yard sale-ing
trying to decide what's most important
that we want to keep
{since we don't have a lot of room}
All the while keeping 
{trying}
a normal routine for E who, in the meantime,
has decided that she's no longer potty trained. 

{like I said; pants on fire. chicken with no head}

Let me tell ya friends
frustration levels are
{flyin' up in here!}

Oh and did I mention
Evan is starting school
I'm working more hours than I have
in over two years
and
"busy"
doesn't do our lifestyle justice. 

I'm trying so hard to rest
and be at peace with
{life}
right now.

I'm trying to seek
the Lord
and
His will in
all of the whacky going down.

But it's not easy.

My
"Journey of Grief"
{as a lot of counselor's call it}
has been a strange one. 

Things that I think maybe
should
set me off, usually don't.
But the things that probably
shouldn't
most always do.

A smell can remind me of Daphne and
BOOM
I'm done. 
Out of commission. 

4 months is SO not long enough to process any of this!

{not to mention my patience level for people}
{I feel like a terrible person sometimes}

Anyways, 
All this to say...

Life. Isn't. Easy. 

I think we have all
{mostly all}
learned this in some way or another.

But, 
we make a choice. 

We have to choose to let ourselves be
defeated
and
brought down.

OR

We choose joy. 
We choose to turn to
the God of the Universe who,
{time after time},
has pulled us out of
our messes,
brushed us off,
and
made us new.

No, this doesn't make hurts hurt any less.
No, this doesn't make struggles disappear.

But it DOES make them lighter. 
{Jesus}
makes them lighter.

Not Easier.

Lighter.



| 2 comments
Sunday, June 3, 2012

faith can be shaken but it cannot be moved

Sunday, June 03, 2012

Recently we went for a weekend away to
Union Creek.

The water was rushing through the gorge
with so much volume it was
{overwhelming}

I have the tendency to 
be very introspective
while I'm outdoors. 

And if you know me, you know that
Introspective
{typically}
isn't a good place for me. 

But the Lord always meets me there
and He always teaches me there. 

As I was staring at the water
{kind of feeling sad for myself}
I noticed a rock in the middle of the creek.

I could barely see it sticking out of the water.
It was being hammered from all sides by the raging water.
The rock was literally being
{overwhelmed}
by the torrents of water surrounding it. 

My heart started aching for that rock.
{yes, you can laugh. I realize it sounds funny}
But in all seriousness, 
I knew

I
{KNOW}

how that rock feels!

I started thinking about all
the emotions that were,
in that moment,
overwhelming me. 

Seemingly drowning me. 

I remembered the moment we learned Daphne had died.
I was gasping for air.
Trying to breath in a 
{torrent}
of emotions.  

That
{POOR}
Rock!

Wait...

{POOR ME!!!}

[cue my self pity]
{waaaahaaahaaaaaaa!!!}

Okay, I'm done. 

That's when the Lord stepped in and said
"Now hold on. Look at the rock!"

~I am.~ 

"No. Don't look at the water."
{"Look. At. The. Rock."}

and there He taught me. 

The rock,
while being
pounded incessantly
by the raging furry of water,
NEVER MOVED.

It withstood the beating.
It stood firm through the
overwhelming.

That rock and I have more in common that it may seem.

No. I'm not saying
"Look at me! I'm strong! I can deal with all of this!"

{and for those of you about to make a joke}
{about me being dumber than a rock... watch it!}

No.
I understood in that moment
that the
God of the Universe
placed that rock in the middle of the raging water.
The rock was being shaped and changed by the water. 
But it never moved. 
And it wasn't destroyed. 

I understood that
the God of the Universe
has put me where I am.
He put me in the middle of
the 
{raging water}
to shape me. 
To {change} me. 
To {grow} me. 

But I'm still able to stand
knowing that
the God of the Universe
has given me
life
and I have not been destroyed. 

God gives us a pretty amazing promise in Isaiah:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
     I have called you by name, you are mine. 
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you. 
For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
~Isaiah 43:1-3~

I will
{never}
be able to look
to my own strength
to survive the
hellish
waters
that come up and overwhelm me
on a daily basis.

But I know that
in Christ, alone, I have strength
to endure even the most disastrous
of trials. 

He has given me the gift of faith.
Faith that without Christ is worthless,
but with Christ, 
{BECAUSE}
of Christ, 
cannot be moved. 


Food for Thought:
What is He teaching you?
How is He challenging you?
How is He shaping you through the storms?


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Monday, May 21, 2012

what happens when we stop?

Monday, May 21, 2012

Sometimes
life is just
{WAY}
too much. 

If one thing isn't going wrong
it's something else.
When that calms down
{something else}
goes wacky!

{WHY?!}

Why must there
{always}
be some sort of 
wild chaos
wreaking havoc
on life?

To a
huge
extent
I can honestly say
I 
{HATE}
the chaos!

{It's. Not. Fair}

But also I have to say...
{it's perspective}

{typically speaking}
When we have a bad day
it's usually because
something didn't go quiiite right. 

We go to a restaurant
{where people serve us}
and our food doesn't come out to us 
just so...

Our reaction:
{FREAK OUT SESH!!!!}

We make a plan
for our day and how we 
need
{want}
things to happen
and it doesn't go according to plan...

Our reaction:
{FREAK OUT SESH!!!}

We sit down to our DVR
to watch yesterday's episode of our 
favorite show
{seriously?!}
and it's not there... 

Our reaction:
{Fall on the ground}
{kicking and screaming}
{like a two year old}
having a 
{FREAK OUT SESH!!!!}

Am I getting my point across?

{PERSPECTIVE}

No, I'm not going to
give the guilt trip
sermon about
"Starving kids in Africa..."
although it's true.

My point is...

{What REALLY matters?!}

If your life truly is broken by these things
that I just talked about then I have to say
{You've got it preeeetty good}

But I think the majority of us
find ourselves caught up in this
{go. Go. GO!!!!}
society. 

We forget that
{life. is. precious}

We forget that nothing is promised us. 

Mommas:
How often do you find yourself
checking Facebook in a quick moment
of free time while your kiddos quietly entertain themselves. 
{Don't feel bad! I'm soooo guilty!}

or better yet...

How often do we obsess over
the laundry
the dishes
the dirty toilets
the bills
the dinner that won't just cook itself
{I could go on for days} 

I caught myself this weekend
{for the first time in a while, sadly}
just staring at E and soaking up every little bit of her. 

Friends, 
I haven't felt that much peace in a 
{LOOOOONG}
time! 

so again I ask...

{WHY THE CHAOS?!}

Why can't I always be content to just
stare at
and adore
my beautiful daughter?

Why can't we just be content to
sit with our families
{no technology included}
and be together?

Biggest reason...
{FEAR}

We're afraid of what might come up. 
We're afraid of the closeness that might occur.
We're afraid to love 
{DEEPLY}
because it might not be reciprocated. 

We
{as a culture}
FEAR
closeness. 

We fear intimacy.

I don't necessarily mean
physical
intimacy
{cause let's be honest... our culture has nooo issues with that!}

We fear the danger
of allowing someone else
into our
{bubbles of "ME"} 

I'm a professional hider!!

I like to keep my stuff
{my stuff!}

These last 3 months
have shown me that I 
{CAN'T}
live life alone. 

I need my family.
I need my friends. 
but above all...

I
NEED
my
God. 

I might be able to hide from everyone around me...
{which I'm reeeally good at}
but I can't hide from
the God that created me
and gave me breath.

He know's me intimately.
He know's my fears. 
He know's my distractions.

So what happens when we stop hiding?

{GASP!!!}

What happens when we let someone else in?

{NOOOOO!!!}

What happens
{dare I say}
when we're
HONEST,
not only with ourselves, 
but truly open and honest with those we love?

{we're weak}
{we're vulnerable}

This is when we're made perfect.
This is when we're molded into the image of God. 
This... my friends...
is when we can
truly
honestly
experience
{LOVE}.

So I encourage you to just
{STOP}

Stop hiding
Stop being busy
Stop finding excuses

{just.be}

Be with your children.
Be with your spouse.
Be with your loved ones. 

Be.With.God.

Study Him.
Desire Him.
{Let.Him.Change.You}

get rid of the junk that distracts you.

{live the life that you've been given}
cherish the blessings that surround you








| 2 comments
Monday, May 14, 2012

I'm Calling To Tell You I'll Call You Back!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Okay...
So...
Things have been a liiiitle crazy...
Okay...
{ALOT}
crazy.

I've had so much on my mind
and so much weighing heavily on my heart
and absolutely 
{ZERO}
time to sit down and write.

This weekend is going to be a
quiet
restful
{hopefully}
renewing
weekend
and I plan to write...
alot. 

So, please, 
be patient with me. 

I might even spoil you
{cause I know what I write is soooooo interesting (not)}
and make more than one post... 

So get ready...

It's coming!

Thank you for all of your continued prayers for our little family. 
We need and appreciate it so deeply.



| 0 comments
Thursday, April 26, 2012

Settling. Breathing. Enjoying.

Thursday, April 26, 2012
Tonight
as I sit here alone
I'm thinking
"How the {HECK} did we end up here?"
"Why the {HECK} did all of this have to happen?"


And in the same breath
{thought}
I'm thinking
How
{BLESSED}
are we?!

In the last 4 months
our little family 
has been through 
{HELL}
and back!

We've experienced
pain and grief
that some will never
have to.
{and I'm so glad for them!}

We've begun a journey
that nobody ever
thinks about taking.

We've joined a club that
{NOBODY}
wants to be a member of. 

But you know what else
these last 4 months have brought?

Blessing
after blessing
after blessing
after
{BLESSING}

We were able to be with our family
in our absolute weakest and most vulnerable moment.

We were able to be surrounded by
some of the most amazing friends that anyone could ask for.

We've been cared for and loved
in ways that I can't even understand. 

We've been able to raise money for an organization that suddenly became important to us because of our great sadness and we've been encouraged through the journey.
{learn more about that here}

We.Are.Blessed

The Lord has used the people around us
to encourage us
love us
support us
and
teach us
some of the most valuable lessons we've ever learned. 

It's been 8 weeks
(yesterday)
since our Sweet Daphne
came silently into this world.
Since our hopes of another little princess faded.
Since my very big and full tummy became empty.

{Since she} 
{moved mountains
{with her short life}

I can't say
"It's all better! Hooray!"
It will never be. 
A day will not go by that I won't think of my sweet girl.
But I can say that it's getting easier. 
I don't cry everyday. 
I can genuinely enjoy my beautiful family
{although missing one member}
without feeling guilty.
I can see and hold and enjoy the beautiful babies in my life
without feeling a deep aching sadness
that I don't have my Daphne.

Life is starting to get back to a
reflection
of "normal"
before Daphne. 

Life will never be "normal".

You lose the ability to live a
{NORMAL}
life when your secretly known as
"The Woman Who's Baby Died".

People don't ask questions like
"How are you doing?"
in passing at work
because they're afraid of what my answer might be.

But it's getting to a place where people
look me in the eyes and are genuinely happy to see me
and don't feel the need to 
"be careful"
around me. 

Yes
life is getting back to a reflection of 
"Normal"

We're settling
into a space that we can call our own
for the next few months
{Thank you to the Bolen's}

I'm back to work. 
It's hard work
but I'm really enjoying it. 

Life is moving along
at quite a crisp pace.

And the Lord is
BLESSING
us. 

Never how I would have chosen. 

Never how I would have asked.

But
I know now more than ever
that
I'm the
{LUCKIEST}
girl.

From the bottom of my heart
I can't say
{Thank You}
enough.
For all that you've done
and continue to do.

My heart is
Sad and Achey still
But above all my heart is
{FULL}

I will never be
{normal}
again
But I will forever
be
blessed
{in abundance!} 

I pray the Lord will bless you all
the way you have touched our lives and blessed us.
We love you. 
As E says
"Wook! Dey Dafunee's faowuh's!

For you... from us.
I hope they make you smile as much
as they make me. 




| 3 comments
Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Struggling to Trust

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Today has been one that has challenged me.
It has challenged
my patience
{in more ways than one}
my heart
and
my faith.

I have been challenged by my prayers
not being answered the way I've wanted them to be.
My selfishness has
{in moments}
overcome my ability to trust
that the Lord's plan is better than my own.

Today
I have found myself
so bitterly angry. 

I know that allowing ourselves
to feel all of our emotions
is a healthy part of grief
 but I'm going to be honest
{I don't like it!}

I wish my emotions would just always
come out in an
understanding
patient
and
loving way.
{yeah...not going to happen}

Today my heart broke
at the news of
some friends of ours losing their
sweet baby
Sophie Abigail.

They've been battling
through a very tough pregnancy
and
little Sophie's heart wasn't
strong enough to keep fighting. 

{cue my intense anger}
 
I've been praying
and praying
and praying
that the Lord would perform a miracle.
That Sophie would be born and that
her heart and lungs would be strong.
That she would live a long
and beautiful life
with her Mommy and Daddy.

{That's what would be best!}
{Isn't it?!}

~Proverb 19:21~
 "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, 
   but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails."

At first I struggled with this. 
What if my plans are good?
My plans don't hurt anyone.
Why can't my plans prevail?!

Then I think about all the plans
I've made that maybe weren't so
selfless and well thought out.
And in those moments how
{GLAD} 
I was that the Lord was sovereign
over my not so good plans. 

I guess I should be
just as willing to surrender
these
GOOD
plans to Him. 

~Jeremiah 29:11~
{I know I've shared this before...}
{It's just that good!}
"For I know the plans I have for you.
Plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you.
Plans for a hope and a future."

But this doesn't feel good!
I'm not prospering, 
Sophie's mommy and daddy aren't prospering...

Heartache and Deep Sorrow
don't even scratch the surface
of the feelings...

But our Lord is the Great Healer.
He is the Great Comforter.
He is the only One who truly knows our hearts.
He is faithful.

Nate, Steph, 
I pray that you would cling to the Lord. 
That He would pour out His peace on you both. 
That you would find comfort in His Word.
This is a journey that no one ever dreams of facing
and you've been thrust into it full force.
Seek His truths in it all and
allow yourselves to be weak.
Because in our weakness He is our strength.

I hope that our girls are enjoying the Lord together. 
Dancing
and
Living
full of joy. 


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Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope
If you have found yourself on the journey of pregnancy or infant loss, I encourage you to join this blog. A community of families that know the journey well.

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