Thursday, April 26, 2012
Settling. Breathing. Enjoying.
Tonight
as I sit here alone
I'm thinking
"How the {HECK} did we end up here?"
"Why the {HECK} did all of this have to happen?"
And in the same breath
{thought}
I'm thinking
How
{BLESSED}
are we?!
In the last 4 months
our little family
has been through
{HELL}
and back!
We've experienced
pain and grief
that some will never
have to.
{and I'm so glad for them!}
We've begun a journey
that nobody ever
thinks about taking.
We've joined a club that
{NOBODY}
wants to be a member of.
But you know what else
these last 4 months have brought?
Blessing
after blessing
after blessing
after
{BLESSING}
We were able to be with our family
in our absolute weakest and most vulnerable moment.
We were able to be surrounded by
some of the most amazing friends that anyone could ask for.
We've been cared for and loved
in ways that I can't even understand.
We've been able to raise money for an organization that suddenly became important to us because of our great sadness and we've been encouraged through the journey.
{learn more about that here}
We.Are.Blessed
The Lord has used the people around us
to encourage us
love us
support us
and
teach us
some of the most valuable lessons we've ever learned.
It's been 8 weeks
(yesterday)
since our Sweet Daphne
came silently into this world.
Since our hopes of another little princess faded.
Since my very big and full tummy became empty.
{Since she}
{moved mountains
{with her short life}
I can't say
"It's all better! Hooray!"
It will never be.
A day will not go by that I won't think of my sweet girl.
But I can say that it's getting easier.
I don't cry everyday.
I can genuinely enjoy my beautiful family
{although missing one member}
without feeling guilty.
I can see and hold and enjoy the beautiful babies in my life
without feeling a deep aching sadness
that I don't have my Daphne.
Life is starting to get back to a
reflection
of "normal"
before Daphne.
Life will never be "normal".
You lose the ability to live a
{NORMAL}
life when your secretly known as
"The Woman Who's Baby Died".
People don't ask questions like
"How are you doing?"
in passing at work
because they're afraid of what my answer might be.
But it's getting to a place where people
look me in the eyes and are genuinely happy to see me
and don't feel the need to
"be careful"
around me.
Yes
life is getting back to a reflection of
"Normal"
We're settling
into a space that we can call our own
for the next few months
{Thank you to the Bolen's}
I'm back to work.
It's hard work
but I'm really enjoying it.
Life is moving along
at quite a crisp pace.
And the Lord is
BLESSING
us.
Never how I would have chosen.
Never how I would have asked.
But
I know now more than ever
that
I'm the
{LUCKIEST}
girl.
From the bottom of my heart
I can't say
{Thank You}
enough.
For all that you've done
and continue to do.
My heart is
Sad and Achey still
But above all my heart is
{FULL}
I will never be
{normal}
again
But I will forever
be
blessed
{in abundance!}
I pray the Lord will bless you all
the way you have touched our lives and blessed us.
We love you.
 |
| As E says "Wook! Dey Dafunee's faowuh's! For you... from us. I hope they make you smile as much as they make me. |
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Struggling to Trust
but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails."
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Empty
Thursday, April 5, 2012
It's Okay To Be Mad. It's Okay To Ask "Why?"
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from my cries of anguish?
2 My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, but I find no rest.[b]
3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the one Israel praises.[c]
4 In you our ancestors put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.
5 To you they cried out and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
~Psalm 22:1-5
Those first 2 verses speak exactly what I'm feeling.
"Why aren't you fixing it? Do something!"
{YET}
as the Psalmist says,
He is Holy.
He has
{ALWAYS}
delivered His children
when they've
{TRUSTED}
{TRUSTED}
Him.
Gee... there's that {trust} thing again...
who'da thought?
I'm not saying bad things happen because
we don't trust the Lord.
{please don't get me wrong}
What I'm saying
{or trying to at least}
is that in our
trials
hurt
mourning
failure
brokenness
God is still God.
He's the same God that we praise when everything in life is
{Peachy Keen}
He's the same God that blesses our lives with sweet moments of
{Peace and Solace}
so then
He must be the God we {TRUST} when the
Earth is quaking
and our very existence is being shattered.
He must be the God we allow to
{MOVE}
our hearts
when we are numb to all things.
He
{MUST}
be the
{CENTER}
of our lives.
***
(see footnote at the bottom)
Otherwise, we put our trust and our hope
in things that are fleeting.
In things that will not satisfy.
Things that may have a sweet taste in the temporal
but in the end
disappointment and defeat
always leave a bitter hunger.
I struggle to hold onto the Hope that we are given.
I struggle to trust that the Lord will make all things new.
But I know that He is good.
He has never failed to
{mend}
broken hearts
{comfort}
the mourning
or
{heal and strengthen}
the weak.
He.Never.Fails
I'm going to pray
{and, yes, I'm going to write it down}
please pray with me.
{I cannot force you.}
{If you chose not to, feel free to skip to the bottom}
God,
You are Holy.
You are gracious and faithful.
We are unworthy, yet you bless us.
We are selfish, yet you give.
We are weak and cannot fight these battles on our own.
Praise you that, because of your sacrifice,
we do not have to.
The battle is yours.
The battle is won
and
Death cannot defeat us.
Our cry is one of deep pain and sadness.
God, for those in pain, I ask that you heal them.
For marriages that are failing,
I ask that you mend and rebuild them,
so that they might glorify you.
For parents that mourn their children,
I ask that you be our comfort.
For those we love that have run from you,
I beg that you meet them in their darkest moments
and rescue them.
You have promised that in you
we are all new creations.
Thank you for making us new.
Lord, use us to glorify Your name.
Use our lives as vessels and examples of your
enduring love and faithfulness.
Be glorified.
In the holy name of Jesus, we pray these things.
-Amen
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
An Exciting Change
Friday, March 30, 2012
His Promises Remain
2 Timothy 4:17a
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the world might hear it.”
But seriously?!
Uhhh...
But isn't that what this journey we call
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the world might hear it.”
I can't lie
I. DON'T. FEEL. STRONG.
I. DON'T. FEEL. STRONG.
I have felt abandoned.
I have felt lost.
I have felt as though my cries would never reach anyone's ears.
I'm afraid.
{I fear}
that people will forget my sweet Daphne
that because she isn't here -with me- that she won't be celebrated
that {somehow} I will slowly lose my memories of her.
{I fear}
that if I do get pregnant again
something terrible will happen
something terrible will happen
that I will never again know the joy of having a new baby
that my heart will never be full of new mommy love again.
I'm worried.
{I worry}
that something awful will happen to my daughter and husband
that if I don't hold on tight to
{EVERYONE}
I will lose them.
{EVERYONE}
I will lose them.
{I worry}
that we will never get back to a place that we can't financially survive
that we will burden those around us.
I'm Trusting.
{I trust}
that even though all of
these fears
these worries
these {LIES}
penetrate my heart and thoughts
and consume me
My. God. Is. Faithful.
Isaiah 43:1-3
But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior"
he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior"
Don't get me wrong.
This doesn't {instantly} make me feel better!
James 1 says:
James 1 says:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."
You know what my first response is to that?!
James. Was. WHACK!
{yeah I just went a little ghetto}
But seriously?!
JOY?!
You want me to be joyful that I lost my baby?!
You want me to be joyful that nearly every aspect of my life
is a{TOTAL}mess
without any sort of direction?!
You want me to be joyful that nearly every aspect of my life
is a{TOTAL}mess
without any sort of direction?!
You want me to be joyful when I see the ones I love hurting?!
Uhhh...
yeah.no.thanks.k.bye.
But isn't that what this journey we call
{faith}
is all about?
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines Faith as:
"(1)firm belief in something for which there is no proof
(2)complete trust"
Woah, mamma!
{COMPLETE TRUST}
Okay, that stings a little.
Not just a little trust
or
or
I kinda think it's true
or
yeah, I know God's in control, but...
{COMPLETE TRUST}
(don't lose this thought... I will come back!)
I sat with Evan this evening and we talked about how we're feeling today.
Today (the 29th) would be Daphne's 1 month birthday.
It's absolutely unreal to me.
Daphne- A little baby that never got to breath.
Eden- A big sister that never got to hold her new baby.
Evan- A daddy that never got to dance with his baby girl.
Me- A mommy that will never get to see all of her dreams for that little lady come true.
A MONTH.
So much has happened in a month.
A lot of decisions made.
{Big Ones!}
A lot of lives shaken.
{In good ways and bad}
I can say that this month is one that I will never forget.
But I SO wish I could.
But then...
I would lose all of these memories.
You see,
time is a strange thing.
It passes so quickly.
Almost as if it's not there at all.
You want to grab hold and make it stop
all the while
wishing it would just hurry up so you can move on.
I want so badly to just
{feel better}
to be able to breath again.
I want to be able to see people
and not feel like I'm going to pass out if they mention anything about or related to Daphne
BUT
I want to feel this hurt and anguish
because I don't want to forget
my beautiful daughter.
{How's that for a catch-22?!}
If losing Daphne has taught me one thing it's this
{I. Have. No. Control.}
not over my
emotions
life
loved ones
{NOTHING}
(Here's where that {COMPLETE TRUST} thing comes into play)
I can worry all day.
I can fear for every situation.
{and let me tell you... I'm SOOOO good at it!}
Jesus asks us this question in Matthew 6:
"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
I think it's safe to say He had a {preeetty} good point with that one.
I think all I've managed to gain from my worrying is
no sleep
a few gray hairs
and
a tummy ache!
Why do we choose to
Fear or Worry?
Why, as humans, is that always our first response?
Because we lack faith.
We lack
{COMPLETE TRUST}
in Him.
Don't get me wrong.
We can't muster up that faith on our own.
It's a gift that God blesses us with.
But He gives it to us none-the-less.
Matthew 6:31-34
"31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the world runs after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
{I think this next part was written specifically to me}
"34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
SO...
Do I know why the Lord chose to take Daphne?
No.
Do I know what good will come of this?
No.
Am I happy about it?
Heck No!
{happiness is not to be confused with joy. more on that later}
Do I know where He's going to provide a home for us?
No.
But I have a God who makes big promises.
And He's given me the {faith} to have
{COMPLETE TRUST}
when He says:
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11-
You see...
while I don't know
what will happen
how it will happen
when it will happen
I {do} know that it's all happening
For His glory and Our good.
I may not like that answer in this current moment
but He promises that
He will make His plans known to us
and when He does...
it's going to be one heck of a blessing.
Matthew 6:31-34
"31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the world runs after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
{I think this next part was written specifically to me}
"34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
SO...
Do I know why the Lord chose to take Daphne?
No.
Do I know what good will come of this?
No.
Am I happy about it?
Heck No!
{happiness is not to be confused with joy. more on that later}
Do I know where He's going to provide a home for us?
No.
But I have a God who makes big promises.
And He's given me the {faith} to have
{COMPLETE TRUST}
when He says:
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11-
You see...
while I don't know
what will happen
how it will happen
when it will happen
I {do} know that it's all happening
For His glory and Our good.
I may not like that answer in this current moment
but He promises that
He will make His plans known to us
and when He does...
it's going to be one heck of a blessing.
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Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope
If you have found yourself on the journey of pregnancy or infant loss, I encourage you to join this blog. A community of families that know the journey well.
