Wednesday, February 8, 2017

{Heavy}

Wednesday, February 08, 2017
Life. Is. Heavy.
For our little family, the past several months {more like years!} have felt like absolute chaos that's been perfectly orchestrated to keep me biting my nails til they hurt yet somehow not panicking... yet.

Stuff gets piled up. Schedules overlap and collide. Dinner get's burned {or forgotten}
We say "Hi! Bye!" as we run past each other throwing a kid or two one way or another. . .
Often people tell me "Girrrll, I don't know HOW you do it! I would give up."
              
                
 //
Give up on what? Life? Well see... here's the thing. I can't. 
I have a husband, children, and a job (x3) that are relying on me to keep going. 
When the days bleed into weeks and I haven't slept since... what day is it?!
When I can't truthfully tell you whether or not my underwear are clean.
When I'm not entirely sure when I brushed my teeth or showered last... don't judge... you know...
             
//
Life is heavy. Life is messy.
Sometimes life is a metaphorical {and maybe not-so metaphorical} toddler in a hamster wheel about to Evil Knievel jump off the dining room table only to splat face first onto the hard wood floor.
Tears. Blood. Snot...

It happens to the best of us but we're not in this race to the finish by our own strength. 
Nor are we expected to finish on our own. 
Scripture tells me that I can do all things through Christ who is my strength. So when life gets heavy "Lead me to the rock who is stronger than I..." 
Then that yoke gets a little lighter. 
I wasn't intended or designed to face the challenges of this life alone. But I am intended and designed to finish. I am called to "...run with endurance the race that is set before me, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of my faith..." 
I may get to that finish line covered in blood, sweat, tears, baby drool, and some of yesterday's breakfast matted into my hair, but I'm there. 

Christ calls me to Him not in a lighthearted, beautifully perfected, dry-cleaned state. He calls me to bring the heavy with me. The real me. All the ugly parts too.
Because it's in those imperfect, disheveled, heavy moments that I'm refined and renewed.
//
  
I cannot outrun His goodness. I cannot undo His love.
I cannot outweigh His strength.

I cannot bring something to Him that is too heavy.


//


So here I am with my sumo sized metaphorical weight of life.
My legs and arms are burning but by golly, we're getting there.
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Sunday, December 21, 2014

{joy}

Sunday, December 21, 2014
A queasy feeling...
Could it be?

Woah! Yep....
There it is....
Pregnant.

Lots of thoughts. 
Are we ready for this again?
Can we do this financially?
Really, Lord?
Oh, My gosh! Another Baby!
My heart is so full!
I'm freaking out!
What the holy heck are we going to do?
Well... Eden has been wanting a bunk bed... good timing, eh?

{just rest. just breath.}

{Choose. Joy.}

1st Doctor Appointment:
7 weeks.
The plan.
Lots of monitoring later on. 
Going to play if safe. 
Another Subchorionic Hemorrhage. 
What if something happens?
Should we even get excited?
This is really happening!
There's really a baby in there. 
Oh, My gosh! Our Baby!
When should we schedule our appointments?
Will insurance cover everything?

{just rest. just breath.}

{Choose. Joy}

An Unsettling Feeling:
10 Weeks
I feel good.
Shouldn't I feel sick?!
What if something's wrong?
I should call the doctor!
I'm not spotting.
I'm not cramping. 
Just be happy I'm feeling okay.
Oohhh... maybe this means it's a boy?!
This baby is going to be such an adventure!
Share news with friends and family!
Yay!

{Resting. Breathing}

{Joy.}

A Queasy Feeling:
11 weeks.
I don't feel so good!
What if something is wrong?!
That's silly... I'm SUPPOSED to feel sick, duh!
Oy. This headache is rough!
People are excited for this baby!
I can't wait to make sure everything is okay.
I just want this baby to be well. 
I don't want to lose another baby.
We're going to be fine.

{just rest. just breath.}

A Dreadful Feeling:
11 Weeks 4 days.
Midnight... Uhg. Gotta Pee.
Hey! That's a good thing!
Wait, what's that?
Spotting. 
Oh no! This can't be happening. 
Just calm down.
Call the doctor.
It's fine.
Probably just the SCH.
Text a few friends.
Please Pray.
Why isn't the doctor calling back?!
Just try to sleep.
6am.
No more spotting.
Phew! False alarm.
Well... call the doctor again... just in case...
Everything's going to be okay.
Going in soon to check on this sweet baby. 
7am.
Gotta Pee...
Oh no... that's a lot. No!
This can't be happening.
Call again.
Going in NOW.
9am.
Waiting.
Of course.
Don't they know I'm FREAKING out?!
COME ON!
Here we go.
Ultrasound.
"I'm going to go talk with the physician..."
No!!!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
No, Lord. Not this!
Not Now.
I knew it.
I shouldn't have gotten excited about this. 
I'm so stupid. 
"Hi Jess... I'm so sorry..."
Don't. Just don't say anymore!
"Missed Miscarriage"
I can't breath. 
"You have options"
I want to get out of here.
"We can go about this anyway you'd like..."
Shit. Shit. Shit.

{just. rest. just. breath.}

{joy. ha.}

A Painful Feeling:
1:30pm.
Administer medication.
I really just have to sit here and wait.
They're just going to take my baby away.
I should really go get a concealed weapon permit for my uterus...
It's time.
This sucks.
It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks.
Ow.
Wait... the pain meds really aren't working that well...
This really freaking hurts.
"It's taking a bit more effort than we expected..."
Oh Great!
No Big.
Just my lady bits you're jacking up.
"Okay, we're all done."
Woah... I feel weird.

A Fuzzy Feeling:
4:00... maybe?
Basically I don't remember anything after I wheeled out of the procedure room.
I think they said I can't drive...
I gotta call my boss.
"Check up in two weeks."
"Should have a pathology report..."
Where am I?
Man It is cold.
Oh, there's Eden.
My sweet girl.
Wait, Who has Lydia?
Where is she?!
She hasn't nursed all day! My poor girl!
Ahhh... my bed.
I gotta pee...
When did I get home?!
Oh... yeah.
I just had a miscarriage...
Shit.
My baby is gone.
Another one.
2 for 4.
I have to tell everyone we sent Christmas cards to.
Merry frickin' Christmas...
Wait, I already did?

I'm hungry.
Food sounds disgusting. 
Why is this happening?!
Why this, Lord?
Why now?
What good can come from this?!

{just. rest. just. breath.}

{you can be sad.}
{but choose joy.}

I feel so peaceful.
Ugh. My body hurts.
How long is this part going to last?
Just more reminders, I guess.
I have a lot of work to get done!
I know they said not to worry about it...
But I really should get it done.
I mean... I'm fine.
Ow... maybe not.
Ugh...
This sucks. 

{just rest. just breath.}



There's not rhyme or reason to what has gone through my head in the last two months.
I truly couldn't explain better than all that ^^^ garbage jumbled up and barfed out.
But through all of this... the Lord has given me a strange peace.
I almost feel stupid.
I feel confused.
Sometimes I've found my self forgetting that I'm not pregnant anymore...
{I know it's only been 2 days}
But it's been the longest week.

Anxiety truly took the best of me and it stole so. much. joy. 
I feared so much for the 7 short weeks that I knew I was pregnant.
Why? Why do we let that happen?
I wasted so much time I could have spent enjoying the life growing inside of me
on worthless worry that got me what?
Another baby I'll never get to hold.
So I'm sure you're asking...
"Why joy?!"

Believe me... I ask the same thing... a lot!

Joy, not to be confused with happiness, is really a great relief to ones sorrow.
To be truly joyful, we find delight.
To find delight, we seek something that will fully satisfy us.
For some, satisfaction comes in wealth, addiction, materialism...
For me, I've found my delight in resting in the Lord.
I know many people call me crazy.
But when you've been carried through hell and back again by the Jesus that I know...
There is no doubt.
When your greatest, deepest fears are made real
and you can lift your heavy, weary head to breath life, still...
My Hope is in the Lord.
My Delight is in the Lord.
It doesn't make sense.
It doesn't have to. 
It doesn't make the present hurt any less...
But it does bring 
{joy}
{delight}
{true, complete, satisfaction}

I can't get time back.
I can't bring back the babies I've lost.
But I can look on with hope
to a time where there will be no more tears.
No more pain.
No more anxiety.
No more worry. 

A time where I will know my babies in the fullness that God intended them. 
I will come along side them and rejoice in the goodness of our God. 

And for that hope...
I must
{choose. joy}


Psalm 84:10...
Better is one day in your courts, than a thousand elsewhere...

I cannot wait for that day. 


| 1 comments
Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Hey Kim K. Put your Buns Away!

Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Today I stumbled across a feed that
boasted the title
"Kim K's Butt Inspired So Many Meme's"

Uhhhmmm...
{ew.}

I didn't click on it because I really could care less about
a photoshopped toosh on a woman
who clearly has no respect for herself, her husband, or her children. 

{yeah... gloves are off.}

We live in a society where women yell and scream
that they're mistreated.

We live in a society where dress codes are "unfair".

We live in a society where women pose "tastefully nude" to show
that all women are sexy no matter their shape or size. 

We live a society where rape is an EPIDEMIC. 

We live in a society where {male OR female} people just can't
seem to control themselves and their sexual appetite and it's seen as an illness. 

We live in a society where young women STARVE themselves to be accepted and loved.

YET...

We applaud, publicize, and CHEER
for a woman who gets all kinds of greased up
and shows off her uncomfortably un-proportionate
rear end. 

We make humor of it even. 

Her HUSBAND
has the audacity to tweet
"All Day"
in response to his wife's exposed to the word butt!

Uhm...
{What?!}

We then wonder why young people seem so unsettled in marriage once "reality" sets in.
No guys, sorry... your wife probably doesn't have a booty the size of two pro-level basket balls.
No girls, sorry... your husband probably doesn't have a 12 pack hiding under his shirt.

We need to understand that our over sexed culture has taught us ONE thing...
"If what you have isn't "enough" get something better to satisfy you"

I'm embarrassed to be a human some days.
Today... I'm embarrassed to share a genetic make up with Kim. K.



If being a mother to two girls has taught me ONE thing it's that
I want them to live with dignity.

Their bodies are precious.

Their bodies are to be protected.

Their bodies are perfectly made.

Their bodies need NO approval from anyone.


The moment we stop looking at people like Kim K.
as role models and rather see them for what they are...

People. Struggling.

We will begin to see reality more clearly.
We will have expectations that aren't un-reachable. 
We will appreciate what is before us and truly love ourselves and one another. 

The moment we refuse to accept complete and utter depravity
as an effort to "embrace beauty"
is the moment we'll see true beauty. 

The moment we stop letting the internet teach our children what love is...
The moment we stop letting the internet teach our children what sex is...
The moment we STOP LETTING THE INTERNET TEACH OUR CHILDREN...

Then.
And ONLY then.
Will we see a change in our society. 

Until then... 
greased up buns win
and
our children get thrown into the vicious cycle
that is pop culture. 

The world that says... 
Unless you have lots of money, a "perfect" body, and you're willing to show it off...
You're nothing. 

Today... as a culture...
the ball is in our court.

Our response DOES matter...

What's your move?

| 1 comments
Wednesday, June 11, 2014

{It's not you. It's me.}

Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Have you ever been in a situation where
you and a friend or loved one
have had an argument
and you're trying to
figure things out
and you feel like
your words are going in one ear and out the other?

You say,
"When you did ___ I felt ___"
and they say,
"Well... you shouldn't have ___"
and you say,
"You're not listening when I say ___"
and then the cycle perpetuates into madness.

OR

Have you ever been in a situation where
you and a friend or loved one
have had an argument
and you're trying to
figure things out
and you feel like your words are going in one ear and out the other?
{see what I did there?}

You say,
"I'm really sorry... I shouldn't have ___"
and they say, 
"No, no, no, it was my fault I shouldn't have ___"
and you say, 
"No, really it was ME!"
and they say,
"Seriously though... I was the bozo!"
and then the cycle perpetuates into madness.

In both situations the same thing is happening.
The
{Me Monster}
comes out.
The self focused desire to be right
{or wrong}
is what drives us. 
Often times there's really no regard for the other person at all.
We want to be "est" of the situation at all costs.
The Right"est"
The Wrong"est"
{Ya get what I'm sayin'?)

We'll go to far lengths to have the last word.
Even if that means painting a horrible picture of ourselves.
Because maybe...
juuuussst maybe...
we'll get that person's sympathy.
We'll get more
{Me}
time out of it.

I've found this often happens with the people we love the most.
Those closest to us.
The one's we're supposed to protect and love
and sacrifice for.
{Sure, I'll throw myself in front of a bus for you}
{but give you more focus time than me? Psshh! Forget that!}

Oh we humans are whacky little creatures I tell ya...

John 15:13
"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends"

Probably wouldn't have had the same impact if Jesus would have been like
"Hey guys, I'm going to be beaten, ridiculed, crucified and die... But first lemme take a selfie!"

Instead He
SELF-LESSLY
walked into torture and gave His life
so that we might know Him. 

He took MY place.
He really did take the focus off of me
in the BEST way possible!

Often even in our relationships with Christ
the
{Me Monster}
comes out. 

Our prayers are for health, safety, more comfort in living...

How often {truly} do you just
thank Him for the fact that you're alive?
How often do you
pray that your life would be one that glorifies Him
in all things?

{I'm obviously JUST as guilty as the next guy}

We're a people of self-seeking.
Yes, we have the ability to be selfless
but there's
{usually}
at least a hiiiiint
of selfish ambition.

I encourage you
{and myself}
to look for ways to say
"It's you! It's ALL ABOUT YOU!"
as much as possible. 

Whether it be in your quiet time with the Lord
and you're truly seeking to glorify Him in your life

or

in your interactions with friends...
Just push your self away and focus on those around you. 

Hear their words.
Meet their needs. 

Instead of "How can I help?"
ask
"What do YOU need?"

Same question.
Shifted Focus. 

Try it.
It's actually a nice change not looking at the
{Me Monster}.

| 0 comments
Tuesday, June 10, 2014

{Happy Wife. Happy Life}

Tuesday, June 10, 2014
A few months ago (around Valentine's Day)
as I was leaving the grocery store
I rounded the corner from the check stands toward my exit
and off to the left was the jewelry department.

Diamond rings, earrings, pendants... you know lots of pretty things.
Then there was a pair of mannequins set up with t-shirts that read

{Happy Wife Happy Life}

Happy Wife. Happy Life.

My first thought was

"That's funny!"

My second thought was

"Wait, what?!"

I know to many people this simple statement seems harmless
and some would even say it encourages
little romances within relationships...

Happy Wife. Happy Life.

I say
{It's a fiiiiiine line}
One that can be a sweet gesture to romance your lady
OR
A way of buying her off.

Would I LOVE for my husband to come home with roses and pretties for me?
Would that make me happy?

Uh...
{DUH!}
{p.s. it would ALSO make me broke!}

But do I NEED him to come home with roses and pretties
for me still be happy and joyfully meet the needs of my husband and children?

Thaaat would be a
{NEGATORY}

Now before you get bent out of shape and think I'm saying it's wrong
to get/give gifts

I'm not. I promise. 

What I'm trying
{hoping}
to get across is that
our life's happiness shouldn't,
and dare I say,
CAN'T
be reliant on the material
{pretties}
that our significant other's
may or may not come home with. 

If you expect a gift and don't get it
there tends to be bitterness.

If you expect a gift and do get it
there tends to be a desire for more.

If you're expected to deliver and don't
there tends to be feelings of inadequacy.

If you're expected to deliver and do
there tends to be pressure to out do yourself. 

Do we see the vicious cycle?

We're always left
needing/wanting
{MORE}.

More what?

More
{stuff}

Happy Wife?
Not-so Happy Life?

Matthew 6:19-21
19"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on Earth, where moth and rust destroy
and where thieves break in and steal, 20 but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven,
where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in a steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

In an age of fast paced lives
and so many distractions
let your
TIME
be your gift. 

Let your
TIME
be the treasure that you
bestow on those that you love.

Give the gift of uninterrupted
one on one
face to face
hand holding
TIME.

Pretties are nice, 
but if I never see my husband
and my children don't know love and affection
pretties are just chunks of junk with no meaning. 

Time is a gift that can really only be stolen by the person who has it. 
Give it. 
'Til you're ALL OUT OF IT.

| 0 comments
Tuesday, April 22, 2014

{They Got Me!}

Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Here I am sitting on my couch,
taking a break from work to nurse the baby,
enjoying this peaceful moment,
when I hear a knock at the door.

{Why now?! I'm practically topless trying to feed a screaming baby}

So I get myself together and get up and open then door...

{Mormons} 

I tell you what... they've got a knack for knocking at the WORST times!

Two sweet boys, probably 18 or 19, standing at my doorstep ready to tell me about their faith.
(can I be the first to say, it's WEIRD that I see a 19 year old and think "aww... sweet boy.")
{I'm OLD!}

 I've got Lydia on my hip and they oooh and awww over her for a second.
One politely asks if she's my first. 
"She's our third." I respond

"Oh! Yeah! There ya go!" was the response I got.
{I had to laugh at that one}

Then onto the serious talk...

They started to share about why they were here and what message they had to share with me.

I listened politely all the while wanting to say (not so gracefully)
"Come on in, have a glass of water, and I'll tell you about a very different Gospel that I believe."

They asked if I had a faith in Christ and I said I do. 

They asked if I had a few minutes one day that they could come back and talk to
my husband and I about their message. 

I explained that we quite literally do not. But thank you for the offer. 

They sweetly offered to help with anything that I might need and left me their phone number
on a "Plan of Salvation" pamphlet.
{which one of them referred to as the "Pathway to Happiness"}

I took the pamphlet and they left.

My first thought was 
{"Dang it! The got me!"}

I sat down to thumb through the pamphlet and my heart hurt. 

Not because I was reading something life changing
or I was suddenly seeing truth in the Mormon faith.

But because they believe in their theology with such conviction that they
go door to door and tell people about it. 
{now I realize it's kind of a requirement of sorts but still...}

So here I am reading this "Plan of Salvation"
and I can't help but want to run down the street and get them and say 
{with much more fervor and much less sarcasm}
"Come on in. Have a glass of water. And let's talk about a different Gospel..."

I guess what hit me so hard is that very few "Evangelical Christians" are
willing to go door to door and say
"I've got something amazing to share with you!"

Heck... how many "Evangelical Christians" even know what an
"Evangelical Christian" is?!

Now I realize some people believe VERY different doctrines about evangelism.
{And this is not to become a debate on who/what/where/when/how we are to evangelize.} 

But just having a bold faith that you
ACTUALLY KNOW SOMETHING
about and having a desire to share it.

What does that look like?

Do you know what you believe?
Do you know why you believe it?
Do you know the difference between your faith and theology
and, say,
a Mormon's faith and theology?

If you were asked by someone of the LDS church 
what you believe about God the Father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and Satan...
could you answer that question?

It's hard.
I know a lot {A. LOT}
of people who hold fast to their Mormon faith. 

And I'm not going to be that guy that says "YOU'RE WRONG and HERE'S WHY!!!"
But I do believe a very different Gospel than the one they believe and share. 

Today they got me thinking.

Am I sure enough in my faith to be able to share it with someone who asks?
Am I sure enough in my faith to be able to "disagree" with someone of another belief system?

I can, by grace alone, say with confidence that, 
Yes, I am sure. 
My purpose in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him in all things.
Trusting that all things are for His glory and my good.
I cannot choose to be good in my own power.
I am made good only because Christ chose to
give me the gift of salvation through faith. 

I pray this gets you thinking.
I pray this lights a spark for you to dig deep into your faith and chase after truth.
And I pray
{with fervor!}
that your life might be changed by what you discover.
**This being a touchy topic, please refrain from arguments/bashing here or in comment threads.
If you'd like to speak with me,
please by all means email or message me**
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Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope
If you have found yourself on the journey of pregnancy or infant loss, I encourage you to join this blog. A community of families that know the journey well.

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